G will always be for Granny

I am participating in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge. Each day in April (except the last 4 Sundays), I will post topic themes that begin with the letters of the alphabet, from A-Z. Today's letter is G.

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Granny in her teens

The letter 'G' will always remind me of my Granny.  I know a lot of you who know me well or have read through my older posts know how much she means to me.  With all this non-dairy business I've been trying (today is day 4 completely dairy-free!), I've spent more time in the "hippy" section of our local grocery store.  Being back there always reminds me of my Granny, whom I lovingly refer to as the O.G. or Original Granola.  She was a health nut, very conscious about what she put into & on her body.  From her shampoo to her grilled tofu sandwiches on homemade bread, she was the quintessential granola. She even composted!!  

There isn't much I can say about my Granny that I haven't said a million times before.  I wish I could express how much she impacted me & why I find it so hard sometimes, even though she's been gone for nearly 7 years.  It's not like I sit around & dwell on her passing or that I'm in a perpetual state of mourning.  I've grieved & moved on long, long ago.  It's just that there are moments or events that pop up randomly that are so Granny-esque, it brings all those memories flooding back.

Though I didn't live with her, save for the first few weeks of my life, the bond that I felt & feel w/ her has always been more of a mother/daughter bond than a grandmother/granddaughter one.  She may not have raised me full-time, but she was a constant presence in my life. She was the person I turned to for advice & who I tried to model myself after.  

If I needed anyone's approval or praise, it was hers, and she never disappointed.  Until she got Alzheimer's. Before I knew she was sick, I noticed she wasn't returning my calls & letters as much.  I thought I had disappointed her in some way or she was distancing herself b/c I had done something wrong.  There was even a time when she called me thinking she was calling someone else.  I tried to strike up a conversation w/ her, but she seemed agitated & said she had to go, but would call me again another time.  It wasn't until she told me she was diagnosed w/ Alzheimer's that I realized that was the cause of her lack of contact w/ me.  That was one of the worst days of my life, but it was also the day before I found out I was pregnant w/ my daughter.

Granny & Cookie w/ Trin

Flash forward a little, Granny moved back down to "the Valley" where I live.  We got to reconnect.  She was there for the birth of my daughter, just as she had been there for my birth 22 years earlier.  She would brag to anyone that would listen about how alert & precocious her new great-granddaughter was.  We spent a lot of time together.  Eventually the Alzheimer's got worse & she was moved to a neighboring town about 20 minutes drive from me.  My visits had to be cut down to once a week.  My husband at the time said I was stupid for visiting her once she moved b/c she didn't even know who I was anymore.  He couldn't understand that I didn't care about that. All I cared about was being there for Granny as she had always been there for me.  (And for the record, she may not have known who I was, but she knew I was her visitor b/c the second I would walk in, she'd come stand next to me & walk around the lobby area & outside area, never leaving my side.  Somewhere under the dementia, she KNEW, and that's good enough for me.)

My all-time favorite picture!

When Granny passed, I felt lost.  It was like standing in a bright room & suddenly having all the lights turned off. Navigating through even the simplest things was difficult.  In time, I found my way again, and it was then that I really wished she could have been there to watch how much I grew & changed.  I got the courage to divorce the bastard I was married to, I lived on my own (just me & my kiddo) for the first time in my life, and eventually met & married Justin.  I wish so much that she could have been here to meet Justin.  I think she would have loved him & been very pleased w/ how much he has enriched mine & my kiddo's life.

Like I said, I don't sit around moping & grieving all the time. There are just moments in time that bring her to mind and the letter G will always be for Granny.