Reproductive Rambling

I am participating in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge.  Each day in April (except Sunday), I will post topic themes that begin with the letters of the alphabet, from A-Z.  Today's letter is R.

Inspired by this photo, which I've seen ALL OVER the internets, I decided to drink up some of my Dad's moonshine & see what comes out.

I picked a bad week to choose to write drunk.  When I'm in a good mood & there are people to banter with, I'm a ham.  Tonight, my hubs & kiddo are preoccupied and there is a lot going on in my brain, so I'm a contemplative drunk.  To top it off, I'm tired.  I can't write when I'm tired b/c my heart's not in it.  There is a very distinct difference between passionate Trish & exhausted Trish.  

I apologize in advance.

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What a crazy week.  In the news, there is tragedy that is so unspeakable and frightening that the easiest way for me to cope is to detach.  In fact, that is a huge reason why I watch and read very little news.  It's so much easier to face the small piece of world that revolves around me than to take a closer look at the world at large.  It's too big.  It's too scary. 

In the world that revolves around me, there is the beginning of knowledge.  After 5 years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, my hubs & I scheduled our respective appointments.  It's time to know what is going on and either continue to hope for a biological child or find a new way to become parents.  April 30th is my appointment and May 2nd is my hubs' appointment.  Neither of us is against adoption.  In fact, were it not for the expense, we would have adopted already.  We don't have any problem loving a child that is not biologically ours.  We just can't afford to begin the process.  The home studies, agencies, and attorneys.  We don't have rich friends and relatives that will contribute to a fund.  We have to do this on our own and that pretty much squashes an agency adoption.  Is it really so crazy for me to wish that someone would leave a baby on my doorstep like they do in really old books?!

I'd like to write about more than just the same old fertility shit, but that's just the way the week has been.  The difference between this time & all the times I've written about it before is that we're actually moving in some sort of forward motion.  We're on the way to an answer.  Either the doctors will tell us that it's worthwhile to keep trying.  That there is a rhyme and reason to the constant disappointment with each passing month.  Or they'll tell us it won't happen or isn't likely to happen and at least we'll know.  It will be a heartbreak unlike anything else we've ever experienced, but it will be closure.  It will give us what we need to move on, albeit sadly.

In some instances, ignorance in bliss.  In others, it's torture.