Gestating and Grieving

It's been awhile since my last post.  At first that was due to the nausea that became an all-day, everyday occurrence and lasted until last week.  Between being sick and the typical fatigue that comes with the first trimester of pregnancy, I just didn't want to spend the energy to post on my blog.

My previous post mentioned my belief that I was further along than I thought I was at that point.  After the ultrasound, we discovered I'm actually not as far along.  I don't have an explanation for the sensation that movement was coming, but it had stopped before the ultrasound happened and there's no arguing with the baby's size at this point.  As of today, I'm 11 weeks and 3 days along.  The baby's new due date is February 25th.  It was shocking and a little disappointing to discover that I'm not quite as far along in this pregnancy, but it gives us more time to prepare, which is a good thing.

As the nausea was finally starting to subside, our family was dealt a shocking blow.  On Sunday, August 4th, my mother in law passed away after suffering a catastrophic aneurysm.  I do not hesitate to admit my husband is a Mama's boy.  He spoke to his mom nearly every single day and we rarely went on vacation or anything without her.  She was at our first prenatal appointment as well as our first ultrasound, and we had planned for her to be at all the major appointments for the rest of the pregnancy.  For the last several weeks, she had been watching our daughter for 3 hours in the afternoon at least 2-3 times a week, so her & I actually spent a lot more time chatting after work lately.  The loss of his Mom has completely devastated my husband and unfortunately, it has also caused a huge and stressful rift between him & his sister.  (Which his Mom had predicted would happen long before her passing.)

In addition to the typical grief, there is also the bittersweet aspect of the pregnancy.  As we experience one of the happiest times of our lives, after struggling over 5 years to have a baby, each milestone will also serve as a reminder of what our baby is missing.  He/She won't ever get to know first-hand the greatness that was Grandma Judy.  The way she'd jump up and play games with the kids or run around just like she was a kid herself.  Or the way she would take such delight in pranking someone on Christmas or their birthday by wrapping random stuff or putting their gift inside several wrapped boxes nested within one another.  He/She won't get to enjoy family vacations with their Grandma or enjoy her delicious meals.  There is just so much that our baby will miss out on and so many quirks that we'll miss, too.  She truly was an amazing Grandma and as crazy as she could be, her and I never had a bad word between us and there is a lot that I will miss about her, as well.

Just sitting here re-reading what I've written, it doesn't seem like enough.  There's no way to fully describe the impact that her sudden loss is having on our family.  At the same time, I have to be mindful of the stress this situation brings with it, because I have a baby to think about now.  There is so much to do and it seems like it is going to drag on for quite some time.  As we finish up the preparations for his Mom to be laid to rest, there is the matter of her estate to work out.  That in itself is going to be a nightmare, as it's already proven to be a major point of contention between my husband and his sister.  I've always heard that death can bring out the worst in someone, but until I saw it for myself, I had no idea just how true that is.  I keep hoping that in time she will realize the bridges she is burning and come to her senses to work out a reasonable agreement.  Her alcoholism isn't going to help matters, so it's highly unlikely she'll begin thinking logically anytime soon.  In the meantime, our little trio has our own grief to work through, and my focus has been directed mostly toward my husband and helping him hold it together so he can take care of the arrangements that his sister has left him solely responsible for.

It's all really overwhelming right now, so expect there to be a possibly long absence from blogland while our family sorts out all this craziness.