Healthy Trish is a Happy Trish

I'm participating in the Blogging from A-Z Challenge again this year. Today's post is brought to you by the letter H.

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Many times I've made grand proclamations that "this is my last fat year" or "I'm finally going to do it".  Every time, I start and fail.  Each time, the lull between the next failed attempt grows longer and longer, while the time I actually stick to my guns gets shorter and shorter.

It's not that I have a need to be skinny.  I don't.  I just want to feel good.  The best I've ever felt in my adult life was the period of time when I had worked really hard to not only lose weight, but eat healthier.  I was energetic, motivated, and so insanely proud of myself for actually attaining some goals for once.  I was my own cheerleader and support group.  I relied on my own willpower to change something that was making me unhappy and I succeeded.  I didn't reach my ultimate end goal, but I made it far enough to feel accomplished.

I needed to feel that way again.  I needed to feel like I was in control of myself in some small way.  That I am not a worthless lump.  It had less to do with actual fitness or body shape and more about the way I feel when I know I'm trying to be better.  I also needed to do it "under the radar".  No wordy facebook posts or workout selfies.  No pinning a million fitness ideas to my inspirational board, no preemptive blog posts declaring the beginning of the end of being lazy.  Nope. I just had to jump in and do it this time.  I even hesitated mentioning it now, just because I'm scared of jinxing myself and looking like a fool.  

I started small.  Dusting off ye ole' SparkPeople and tracking my food, just to see what I was eating and what my calorie intake would look like if I wanted to lose 60 lbs in 1 year.  And just like that, I was back on the wagon.  No one knew except me, at first.  Then I told my husband, and now my oldest daughter is aware b/c she sees me logging my food every day.  My friends at work now know b/c a couple of them are also trying to eat better.  I'm taking baby steps, though.  I don't want to burn out as quickly as I usually do.  I need to make it further than I have in the past.  Even if I stop and re-start a million more times, I need to see improvement over each burst of motivation.  Longer, better, stronger. 

In the first 15 days, I lost 7 lbs. Now at 1 month into it, I've lost 12 lbs and counting.  More than that, since getting back into the swing of things, my brain feels less foggy. I'm still tired b/c I'm lucky to get 5 hours of sleep per night, and even that is interrupted at least once by a toddler needing her "rock-a-baby".  But my energy levels are definitely higher than they've been in a long time. Just knowing I'm taking some control over how shitty I've felt these last 3 years has boosted my self confidence.  I don't try to hide in my hoody anymore, even though my body hasn't visibly changed.  I don't care what it looks like; I feel good.  I did set a goal weight, but I'm not concerned with that goal so much as just proving to myself that my will is stronger than the voices in my head telling me I'm a loser. 

At this point, now that I'm over a month in, I'm starting to believe in myself. A girl could really get used to this.