And here are the things I've started:
...
Yeah, I got nothin'. I haven't gotten off my lazy ass to work out in a couple of weeks & I've been eating like crap. I haven't started my first re-organization project b/c I'm not sure if I can afford the paint this payday. I have yet to get involved in my community. I'm not writing consistently. And the most crafty thing I've done is make a tutu for Trin & her wolf, Pip. (A tutu that I meant to make as a Christmas gift, but didn't actually work on until this past Monday.)
There is just so much that I want to do that I find myself running in place. The best way to describe it is trying to untangle a knot. Sometimes it's such a mess that it's hard to find a starting point. Last year was such a great year for me, personally. I felt better than I had in a very long time. I felt confident and active and vibrant. Yes, vibrant. And now? I can't even stand to look in the mirror b/c I'm so frustrated w/ myself & my lack of motivation. For example: working out. I know how good it makes me feel. Even if I'm not losing weight, I feel better. But I don't push myself to step on the elliptical or go for a walk. I just sit in my dull little haze, too tired to do much. And every day that passes w/out accomplishing a goal, is another day I hate myself for being such a loser. The same can be said for any of the things on my to-do list. I want to do them sooo bad, yet somehow I talk myself out of it every time. "I don't have the money" is a big one. I tell myself that one a lot. "I don't have the time" is another one. "I'm so exhausted" is another. The list of excuses is endless. And I'll tell you where that gets me: nowhere. Fast.
My hope in writing this is to a) see how ridiculous I'm being & snap out of this funk I'm in and b) have something to look back on when I'm doing well so that I'm reminded why I can't stop. I know I won't always feel like this. It's a phase and all phases pass at some point. I just don't like hating myself and I don't like wasting my potential. Considering how much it annoys me to see someone who can never stick to anything they set out to do, it really bothers me that I'm currently one of those people.
Today after work I'm going to the craft store to pick up the few supplies I need for some hand-made gifts I'm making. (I did the fb re-post thing to make hand-made gifts for the first 5 people to comment. Only 4 people commented, but I'm doing it anyway.) The domino effect I'm aiming for is this: once I get those creative juices flowing by finishing the gifts, it will renew my excitement for working on getting the house organized. Once the house is starting to be more organized, my brain will follow suit. Once my brain isn't such a clouded mess, I won't feel as tired. When the fatigue lifts a little, I'll get off my ass and work out. When I'm working out, I'll be more confident. When I'm more confident, I'm more outgoing and therefore will find it easier to pursue volunteering interests. (Granted, this is my best case scenario and therefore not exactly how it's going to work out. Also, I might not end up working on these things in this particular order.) There will be more days like today when I feel hopeful but unmotivated. There will be times when I fail & start to hate myself for it, thus causing a downward spiral. But this is my rock-bottom. So there's nowhere to go but up, even if I have to take baby steps to get there.
Like reading my own journal. You're not a loser for not exercising. And neither am I. We're just not the best we could be, and knowing that is the hard part. Chin Up far away buddy! The best is yet to come!
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