Things around Sams Manor are understandably chaotic, especially since my return to work at the end of July. Even though I work from home and only work part-time now, it really isn't any easier than if I were in an office 40 hours per week. In some aspects, it's more difficult b/c I'm trying to do my full workload in less time, with 3 kids constantly interrupting me for one thing or another. And while I realize that sounds like a complaint, it isn't meant to be. I knew what I was taking on when I accepted the offer to work at home and I also can't even begin to describe how grateful I am that I can be home with my kids and still earn a living. It just means that I have to work harder. Where my biggest pre-Sawyer work challenge was keeping the condensation on my coffee cup from leaving a ring on my desk, now I'm faced with the daily test of guessing how many goldfish crackers will keep the 3 year old at bay long enough for me to finish nursing the baby I'm balancing on my lap on a boppy pillow while completing as many invoices as possible in that time.
In addition to the new tricks I'm learning while working at home, there is the regular old Mommy stuff that still presents regular challenges. I have the natural maternal instinct, but there's so much more to motherhood than that. For me, it's the mundane stuff that drains me the most. It takes a lot of energy to care for 3 kids. From the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night, I'm giving everything I have to my family. Just getting out of bed to take my morning pee is a multi-step process. Usually what wakes me is a hungry baby, rooting on his fist. To keep him from crying and waking up the rest of the house, I have to get him latched onto my boob just as quickly as possible. Taking the time to go to the bathroom is like playing Russian Roulette because if he starts crying before I'm done, the 3 year old could wake up and then all hell breaks loose. After the nursing, burping, and inevitable diaper change, I have to tenderly put the baby back in his bassinet to avoid jarring him awake and repeating the nursing and burping process all over again. If I accomplish this miraculous feat, my reward is emptying my full bladder before I piss my pants. Then I have to decide if it's worth it to try to snag another hour or so of sleep, or take an uninterrupted shower. Both of these are sanity savers, but I can never get both in one day. A choice must be made and it all hinges on how tired I am in the moment.
As each day wears on, there are a million and one instances where I apply my ever-improving multitasking skills. If it weren't for being able to do 10 things at once, nothing would ever get done. I spend the majority of the week doing it all on my own while the hubs is working, so I have plenty of time to hone my craft. Some days I feel like Wonder Woman and some days I just wonder what the fuck I'm doing. More so the latter than the former, to be honest. It's EXHAUSTING.
For all the times I look around my messy house and collapse in a teary-eyed heap amidst the broken crayons, stickers, and miniature Shopkin toys, I know I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Motherhood is one of those things that drains and fulfills in equal measure. I may go days, weeks, or even months without a single break. I may work myself silly trying to keep up with everything until I feel like I absolutely won't make it another moment at that pace. But then Presley will dance in the middle of the living room floor with such happy abandon, singing along to her favorite song. In that moment, with her big, almond eyes sparkling with glee and her curly hair flying in all directions as she twirls and wiggles to the music, I'm so full of pride and love, I could burst. Or I'll be walking down the hallway, burdened with yet another heaping pile of laundry to wash, when I'll overhear Trinity singing and playing her guitar. As her voice sends out an undulating wave of emotion, it hits me in the face with all the force of a tsunami. That beautiful, awkward, talented teenager of mine reminds me to hold fast each moment because it is gone in a flash. I recall easily the time not so long ago when it felt like just her and me vs the world. Before she became this foreign person that I know less and less about each day. Her drive to figure things out for herself both infuriates me and make me so incredibly proud. Even Sawyer, who hasn't even been in this world for 3 months yet, gives me the "Mommy high" that keeps me pushing forward. I'll hear him rooting and sucking on his fist, kicking his little legs in increasing frustration. When I finally give up the hope of him falling back to sleep and giving me another moment before facing what is sure to be a busy day, I'll lean over to scoop him out of his bassinet and he'll light up the room with the biggest smile I've ever seen. As I hold him in my arms and he latches on to start eating, his little fist will reach out and catch my finger, sending my heart into flutters as I stare down at my steely-eyed baby boy.
It took me two days to write this blog post. Each time I'd start to write, someone would need something from me and I'd hit the save button and grunt, resentful of the interruption in my thoughts. This is the way my life is at the moment. I'm not Trish, I'm Mama. There is no time to write or cross stitch or indulge in the little things that are just for me. This can be a very bitter pill to swallow. But I know someday I'm going to look around my clean, organized house and wish there were toys strewn across the floor or crayon marks on the wall. I'm going to have peace and order and wish for the chaos.
In addition to the new tricks I'm learning while working at home, there is the regular old Mommy stuff that still presents regular challenges. I have the natural maternal instinct, but there's so much more to motherhood than that. For me, it's the mundane stuff that drains me the most. It takes a lot of energy to care for 3 kids. From the moment I wake up until I collapse into bed at night, I'm giving everything I have to my family. Just getting out of bed to take my morning pee is a multi-step process. Usually what wakes me is a hungry baby, rooting on his fist. To keep him from crying and waking up the rest of the house, I have to get him latched onto my boob just as quickly as possible. Taking the time to go to the bathroom is like playing Russian Roulette because if he starts crying before I'm done, the 3 year old could wake up and then all hell breaks loose. After the nursing, burping, and inevitable diaper change, I have to tenderly put the baby back in his bassinet to avoid jarring him awake and repeating the nursing and burping process all over again. If I accomplish this miraculous feat, my reward is emptying my full bladder before I piss my pants. Then I have to decide if it's worth it to try to snag another hour or so of sleep, or take an uninterrupted shower. Both of these are sanity savers, but I can never get both in one day. A choice must be made and it all hinges on how tired I am in the moment.
As each day wears on, there are a million and one instances where I apply my ever-improving multitasking skills. If it weren't for being able to do 10 things at once, nothing would ever get done. I spend the majority of the week doing it all on my own while the hubs is working, so I have plenty of time to hone my craft. Some days I feel like Wonder Woman and some days I just wonder what the fuck I'm doing. More so the latter than the former, to be honest. It's EXHAUSTING.
For all the times I look around my messy house and collapse in a teary-eyed heap amidst the broken crayons, stickers, and miniature Shopkin toys, I know I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Motherhood is one of those things that drains and fulfills in equal measure. I may go days, weeks, or even months without a single break. I may work myself silly trying to keep up with everything until I feel like I absolutely won't make it another moment at that pace. But then Presley will dance in the middle of the living room floor with such happy abandon, singing along to her favorite song. In that moment, with her big, almond eyes sparkling with glee and her curly hair flying in all directions as she twirls and wiggles to the music, I'm so full of pride and love, I could burst. Or I'll be walking down the hallway, burdened with yet another heaping pile of laundry to wash, when I'll overhear Trinity singing and playing her guitar. As her voice sends out an undulating wave of emotion, it hits me in the face with all the force of a tsunami. That beautiful, awkward, talented teenager of mine reminds me to hold fast each moment because it is gone in a flash. I recall easily the time not so long ago when it felt like just her and me vs the world. Before she became this foreign person that I know less and less about each day. Her drive to figure things out for herself both infuriates me and make me so incredibly proud. Even Sawyer, who hasn't even been in this world for 3 months yet, gives me the "Mommy high" that keeps me pushing forward. I'll hear him rooting and sucking on his fist, kicking his little legs in increasing frustration. When I finally give up the hope of him falling back to sleep and giving me another moment before facing what is sure to be a busy day, I'll lean over to scoop him out of his bassinet and he'll light up the room with the biggest smile I've ever seen. As I hold him in my arms and he latches on to start eating, his little fist will reach out and catch my finger, sending my heart into flutters as I stare down at my steely-eyed baby boy.
It took me two days to write this blog post. Each time I'd start to write, someone would need something from me and I'd hit the save button and grunt, resentful of the interruption in my thoughts. This is the way my life is at the moment. I'm not Trish, I'm Mama. There is no time to write or cross stitch or indulge in the little things that are just for me. This can be a very bitter pill to swallow. But I know someday I'm going to look around my clean, organized house and wish there were toys strewn across the floor or crayon marks on the wall. I'm going to have peace and order and wish for the chaos.
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