The Finish Line

It was a random day in mid-July when I hit my weight loss "finish line". I've towed that line for the last 2 months, with the typical 0-3 lb fluctuation, depending on the day, how much sodium I've consumed, whether I pooped, etc.  You know, sexy stuff.  I truly expected to be more proud of the accomplishment, but I've really just felt let down by it.  Not let down by myself, because I slayed a goal and I'm insanely proud of that. I'm let down by the fact that I've conquered a physical change, but all the insecurities and frustrations are still there.  I still hate my face.  I still see the mid-section pudge protruding through my high-wasted mom jeans. And now I also see deflated boobs (which used to be one of my best features), and a flapjack ass.  I'm older now, so I'm noticing old lady skin spots and my thick, frizzy hair is OUT OF CONTROL.  I can't hide behind the chub anymore, so I have to face all of these things and somehow learn to love them.  How do you do that?!

My husband has told me no less than a thousand times that he wishes I could see myself through his eyes.  He doesn't understand how much I wish I could, too.  I don't want to feel ugly and insecure and disgusted by my reflection.  I want to love that girl.  She deserves to be loved and I'm the only person who can love her the way she needs to be loved.  She has friends who love her.  She has a husband who loves her.  She has children who love her (most of the time).  She needs to look herself in the face and be cool with who is staring back.  To look deep into those hazel eyes and see all the brokenness she has fixed and all the ways she is strong and amazing and one of a kind.  Instead, I see that girl in the mirror and immediately avert my eyes b/c if I spend any time looking, I find all of the things wrong with her.  She's nothing special.  She's a teensy fish in a really big pond. No talents, no gifts to make the world a better place.  She's a terrible mom with a broken brain. How could I possibly love someone I hate?

There's this huge self-care, self-love movement happening all around.  It's in the news and on social media. Everyone tells you that you need to learn to love yourself, but I have yet to see a step-by-step tutorial on how to do that.  No one has ever shown me how it is done.  I wasn't born thinking I'm awesome.  When I say I'm awesome, it's usually sarcasm.  How does one find self-worth when they have lived 39 years without it?  I need tangible, real-life advice and steps to follow.  You can't just tell me to love myself and not explain how.  I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!

I knew a smaller body wouldn't be the magical fix for all my confidence issues.  I guess I just expected that the amount of pride I'd feel in accomplishing something would boost me up and that might lead to the next boost and the next one, until I'm riding a domino wave all the way to this enlightened state where I unapologetically love myself.  That didn't happen, though.  I hit my goal, and then sunk into one of the deepest depressions I've ever experienced.  There have been peaks out of the fog, but mostly I've spent 2 months wishing I didn't exist at all because being a human hurts. 

As I navigate this weird state of being, I wonder if I haven't figured this whole thing out by now, will it ever end?  Is this my usual seasonal birthday depression hitting, or is this just who I am meant to be? Should I settle in with a fluffy blanket and a nice hot cup of coffee and get comfy here? Accept that I'm not the person who will ever be secure with myself?  I mean, what the hell else can I possibly do that I haven't done already?! 

And this, my friends, is what it feels like at the finish line.  My advice is to run the other way.  It's not all it's cracked up to be here.