Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Social networking is an insecure girl's worst nightmare

There are days I can feel a huge sense of accomplishment for what I've achieved. The odds weren't exactly in my favor, but I managed alright and have come out the other side with minimal damage. Then there are days when little things remind me that I'm nowhere near where I thought I might be. These are the days when I really shouldn't log into my facebook.

Social networking is really an incredible invention. I am back in touch with friends and family that I had lost contact with and if it weren't for the lovely internets, I still wouldn't talk to most of them. But it also gives me access to an entire planet to compare myself with, and inevitably find myself inferior to. There are former classmates who look even better with age and appear to really have their shit together. There are my husband's ex-girlfriends or my ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends, all of whom are prettier and cooler than I'll ever be. They have a much more interesting "About Me" section on their profile and pictures of places I've only dreamed of going. Photos of themselves confidently smiling in their tiny little bikinis when I haven't been brave enough to wear a swimsuit in public since I was a teenager (save for the one time my cousin talked me into it & to this day, I won't look at the pictures). I simply don't measure up.

I don't have any doubt of the goodness of my character. I'm a caring, hard-working, and funny person. I know these things to be true about myself. But I feel like all of that is eclipsed by my physical appearance. I'm fat and plain. My hair isn't curly but isn't straight; it's this in-between frizz ball mop that looks like it hasn't been brushed in decades. I don't wax my eyebrows nearly often enough. I don't have style. I wear the same 3 pair of jeans day in and day out with the same 4 or 5 t-shirts and 2 hoodies. Nothing about my outward appearance tells a story about who I am inside. I can say it's what's inside that counts and truly believe it. But I also know that when I don't look good on the outside, I feel bad on the inside. Where does self-confidence turn to vanity? Is it alright for me to worry about how I look without being a shallow twat?

Yeah, I really shouldn't have logged into my facebook today.

1 comment:

  1. Oh! I can relate. What I have found is that you have to swallow that guilt in your throat, go to Ross and get yourself a few cute things..this may even lead to going to KOHLS! *laughs* I *had* to buy some things for work, because now I'm front desk and have to look professional, and it makes me feel 30x better to be in nice shoes, my hair done and a cute top. It isn't vanity, I don't think omg im so much better looking now..I just feel polished and a little more prepared for the day. It is so worth it, even if it's just a sundress for a trip to the park on a Sat. -- I also have inferior days and want to cry on facebook/myspace but in reality we all just put the glossy things on our pages, or at least a good 90% do (I think we are both more open than most) and the people who have their shit together usually have one or two skeletons they are hiding well.



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