I am participating in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge. Each day in April (except the last 4 Sundays), I will post topic themes that begin with the letters of the alphabet, from A-Z. There is a saying that a woman wears many hats. I'm no exception. During the course of the Blogging From A-Z Challenge, I'll be posting about the different facets of my life. Today's letter is M, which brings us to my role as a Mom.
What can I possibly say about being a mom that would do it any justice? How do you describe the utter joy & heart-stopping terror that go hand-in-hand with motherhood?! There just isn't any way to express what it's like until you've been a mom.
I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever be a mom. Having a house full of noisy, rambunctious little people has always been a dream of mine, but I never thought to question whether or not it would be a reality. I was foolish in my teens & was less than careful with a couple of boys, but never ended up pregnant (or diseased). Yet I still didn't question my fertility. It wasn't until a few months after my first husband & I stopped using birth control that I started wondering if something was wrong. Having no insurance, I didn't see a doctor to talk about my concerns. I asked my gyno about it while she was giving me an annual exam, but all she could really tell me is that since I had a history of irregular cycles, that was most likely the cause.
My baby shower - 8 months prego
After 5 years (off & on) of wishing, praying, crying, and begging for a baby, I finally became pregnant. I had seen so many negative pregnancy tests in my young life, I really didn't believe it would ever happen. Pregnancy was this unattainable dream that I ached for, but honestly didn't think I'd ever experience. A couple of my co-workers had suspicions that I was pregnant based on my growing chest & general feeling of constant exhaustion, but it wasn't until I bit into a piece of chocolate & nearly threw it right back up that my mom told me she thought I was pregnant, too. My mom not being the most maternal woman ever, I thought she was crazy, but I agreed that if she brought a pregnancy test over to my house, I'd take it. When it came back positive, I was beyond stunned.
When Trinity was born, although I had been resident babysitter for family & friends my whole life, I was terrified. The changing, feeding, and basic stuff was easy. It was the idea that I loved someone so utterly, but could only protect her so much that scared me. The best way I can explain that feeling is that it's like ripping your heart out of your chest & setting it free into the world, hoping against hope that it keeps beating. After awhile, I got the hang of the mommy business & through the years, certain parts of it have gotten easier. A large part of my desire for another baby is that I feel as though I didn't truly get to enjoy Trinity's infancy b/c I was too busy being scared I'd break her somehow. Also, I did everything alone, though I was married at the time, so it would be unbelievable to go through pregnancy & raise another child now that I'm married to someone who is & would be my partner, working hand-in-hand with me.
My little freckle-face
I do so much wrong as a Mom. My own child asked me once, "you're kind of a bad parent, aren't you?" I asked her why she said that & she replied, "because you teach me inappropriate things". She is perceptive, that one. I have warped her fragile little mind pretty thoroughly. Despite all that, I must be doing a few things right b/c she is one amazing girl! She is smart, loving, sensitive, open-minded, hilarious, and healthy. I really think she is going to go on to do great things when she grows up. I'd like to think I have some small part in that.
Eventually my husband & I want to go to the doctor to find out the cause of our infertility. Being without insurance makes that easier said than done. (Putting a chunk of money down on specialists to run tests kind of puts a damper on us being able to afford the baby, so it's a double-edged sword.) After living the life I've lived & seeing the things I've seen, I have to believe there is a greater plan at work. There is a reason things happen (or don't happen), despite our efforts to the contrary. Somewhere along the line, I was blessed with the most incredible daughter anyone could ever ask for. I hope one day I'll be blessed again, but if not, I am happy in the knowledge that there is one person out there in the world that calls me Mommy.
I'm a thirty-something mom & wife. I over-think everything, then I blog about it. I write for myself, not because I believe everything I say is hugely important. I just hope maybe someone will read it & be entertained or inspired. At the very least, it makes me feel better to have somewhere to dump my thoughts & fulfill my urge to write.