Mommy business

I am participating in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge. Each day in April (except the last 4 Sundays), I will post topic themes that begin with the letters of the alphabet, from A-Z. There is a saying that a woman wears many hats. I'm no exception. During the course of the Blogging From A-Z Challenge, I'll be posting about the different facets of my life. Today's letter is M, which brings us to my role as a Mom.
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What can I possibly say about being a mom that would do it any justice? How do you describe the utter joy & heart-stopping terror that go hand-in-hand with motherhood?!  There just isn't any way to express what it's like until you've been a mom.  
I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever be a mom.  Having a house full of noisy, rambunctious little people has always been a dream of mine, but I never thought to question whether or not it would be a reality.  I was foolish in my teens & was less than careful with a couple of boys, but never ended up pregnant (or diseased).  Yet I still didn't question my fertility.  It wasn't until a few months after my first husband & I stopped using birth control that I started wondering if something was wrong.  Having no insurance, I didn't see a doctor to talk about my concerns.  I asked my gyno about it while she was giving me an annual exam, but all she could really tell me is that since I had a history of irregular cycles, that was most likely the cause.

My baby shower - 8 months prego

After 5 years (off & on) of wishing, praying, crying, and begging for a baby, I finally became pregnant.  I had seen so many negative pregnancy tests in my young life, I really didn't believe it would ever happen.  Pregnancy was this unattainable dream that I ached for, but honestly didn't think I'd ever experience.  A couple of my co-workers had suspicions that I was pregnant based on my growing chest & general feeling of constant exhaustion, but it wasn't until I bit into a piece of chocolate & nearly threw it right back up that my mom told me she thought I was pregnant, too.  My mom not being the most maternal woman ever, I thought she was crazy, but I agreed that if she brought a pregnancy test over to my house, I'd take it.  When it came back positive, I was beyond stunned.

Sleepy heads

When Trinity was born, although I had been resident babysitter for family & friends my whole life, I was terrified.  The changing, feeding, and basic stuff was easy.  It was the idea that I loved someone so utterly, but could only protect her so much that scared me.  The best way I can explain that feeling is that it's like ripping your heart out of your chest & setting it free into the world, hoping against hope that it keeps beating.  After awhile, I got the hang of the mommy business & through the years, certain parts of it have gotten easier.  A large part of my desire for another baby is that I feel as though I didn't truly get to enjoy Trinity's infancy b/c I was too busy being scared I'd break her somehow.  Also, I did everything alone, though I was married at the time, so it would be unbelievable to go through pregnancy & raise another child now that I'm married to someone who is & would be my partner, working hand-in-hand with me.

My little freckle-face

I do so much wrong as a Mom.  My own child asked me once, "you're kind of a bad parent, aren't you?"  I asked her why she said that & she replied, "because you teach me inappropriate things".  She is perceptive, that one.  I have warped her fragile little mind pretty thoroughly.  Despite all that, I must be doing a few things right b/c she is one amazing girl!  She is smart, loving, sensitive, open-minded, hilarious, and healthy.  I really think she is going to go on to do great things when she grows up.  I'd like to think I have some small part in that. 
Eventually my husband & I want to go to the doctor to find out the cause of our infertility.  Being without insurance makes that easier said than done. (Putting a chunk of money down on specialists to run tests kind of puts a damper on us being able to afford the baby, so it's a double-edged sword.)  After living the life I've lived & seeing the things I've seen, I have to believe there is a greater plan at work.  There is a reason things happen (or don't happen), despite our efforts to the contrary.  Somewhere along the line, I was blessed with the most incredible daughter anyone could ever ask for.  I hope one day I'll be blessed again, but if not, I am happy in the knowledge that there is one person out there in the world that calls me Mommy.