Time in a bottle

Finally! After 13 agonizing months, I am going to see the ocean again!  I know I sound loony, but there is something about being near the ocean that calms me in a way that no pharmaceutical has ever been capable of doing.  In my daily life, I am wound so incredibly tight most of the time that the tension just keeps building & building. The only thing that uncoils me is some cold, windy, salty ocean air.  To say I'm excited is an understatement.

If it weren't for my mother-in-law, this trip wouldn't be happening.  I have lost about 10 hours a week for the last couple months b/c things are so slow at work.  This is probably the longest one of our slow-downs has ever lasted & if I said I'm not worried, I'd be lying.  However, after nearly 12 years w/ a company that has always treated me well, I'm not about to jump ship.  I am going to have to find a second job, though.  Some way to supplement our income b/c if I don't, we're going to be in dire straights very soon.  I know our trip to Disneyland is a huge reason why we're so broke right now.  Trying to set money aside for our vacation has been difficult & the cut in my hours has made it nearly impossible.  But the trip is booked & there's no backing out now.  I don't think Justin would allow anything to stop us from going anyway. He is a stickler about keeping our word when we make a promise to Trinity.  Having parents who almost never kept their word, I appreciate that quality in my husband more than I can ever express.

Trin's 1st birthday

Speaking of my kiddo: also weighing heavily on my mind is the fact that my sweet little baby is going to be 10 years old in just over a month!  I don't know why the double digit age is throwing me into mid-life crisis mode, but it is, to a degree.  I think it's the fact that she's grown up so much in the last couple of months.  The rest of her growth has been pretty slow & steady, but she has literally morphed right before my eyes.  Her facial features are less child-like and more teenaged.  Her body is growing & changing every day.  She is more independent, she wants to spend less time w/ us & more time w/ her friends.  The little kid qualities are fading quickly and she's becoming a young lady.  I know I still have awhile before she's a complete teenager, but I didn't realize the pre-tweens would hit so soon.  Luckily, they haven't been too awful bad.  She's a sassafras, but she always has been.  For the most part her sweet & loving disposition has followed her into prepubescence.

I'm grateful I have managed to hoard save keepsakes so that I can look back on them & remember Trin's childhood. You never fully comprehend how fleeting time is until you've had a child.  One minute you're impatiently waiting for them to be born & the next minute they're starting 4th freakin' grade.  The only trace of those younger years are the pictures, video, and drawings galore; all preserved for the spazzy mom who can't believe her baby is over halfway to adulthood.  Since Trin was about 2 years old, I've written letters to her in a notebook.  I talk about the milestones she's hit & express very openly the struggles of parenthood.  I plan to give that notebook to her on her sweet 16th birthday.  That seems like a long time, but it will be here before I know it.  I have also printed up blog posts from back in the myspace & livejournal days b/c the vast majority of those are about my munchkin.  Most kids don't really view their parents as people.  My hope is that by one day sharing these things with her, she'll keep in mind that I'm a human & as such, I'm far from perfect.  I know most of it won't make sense until she has children of her own, but I think some of it will help her understand me when we've reached the inevitable head-butting teenage years.

That's me...about 31 yrs ago!

My 32nd birthday is coming up soon, as well.  It's been easy to sort of forget that it's coming b/c there isn't any hope of a celebration. I guess when you know you're not celebrating, your birthday feels like any other day.  It falls on a Wednesday, so I'll be working, Trin will be at school, and I'll have to go to the book exchange.  Aside from  speeding head-first into the empty nest years, I like watching the time pass & seeing how I've aged.  (I cross my fingers that I'll age gracefully like my Granny.)  I even welcome gray hair.  In fact, I found 3 of them a few months ago, which is when I decided to stop dying my hair black & let the gray come naturally.  I still only have the 3 grays, but I'm holding out hope that I'll become a pepper-head soon.

Time is such a funny thing.  When you want it to move along, it goes at a snail's pace, but the very next minute you could be begging it to slow down.  Summer vacations come & go in a blur.  Hard times seem to drag on forever.  I suppose the trick is just to find enjoyment in anything you can b/c when you're facing the end of an era, you don't want to be looking back in regret that you didn't take full advantage of every possible second.