Wednesday, January 2, 2013

True to form

I'm lacking motivation, direction, and inspiration at the moment.  I've been pretty void of all three for the last few weeks, which is why I haven't posted much lately.  I was hoping my morning cup of coffee would at least provide some artificial energy to kick-start my brain, but honestly, this old thing is barely puttering along these days.  Maybe I should start doing crossword puzzles.  Ugh...I sound old.

I guess the best place to start would be a 2012 wrap-up of some kind.  I don't often make resolutions for New Year's.  Usually I just make random goals throughout the year.  Some I manage to meet and others fall by the wayside pretty quickly.  Looking back at my 2012 New Year's post, I once again didn't commit to any specific resolutions, choosing instead to pray for resolution of a few things.  One was the resolution of my in-laws' divorce.  At the time, my hubby wasn't talking to his Dad & his Mom was eyeballs-deep in depression.  There was a lot of fighting & discord, most of which resolved itself within the first few months of the year.  Just as his parents' divorce was settled, Justin's sister left her husband.  Once again, there was fighting & once again, the family felt torn between the two sides.   Their divorce is finalized, but there is still a lot of back-and-forth going on, specifically where the kids are concerned.  Their Dad got custody of them and since then he has allowed our side of the family very limited contact with them.  He swears he isn't shutting us out, but it certainly feels that way from where we're all standing.  In spite of all of the nastiness, Justin & his Dad reconciled right before Thanksgiving, so our broken family was able to come together for both the major end-of-year holidays.

Another hope I had last year was the end of my Dad's fight with cancer.  He had surgery early in the year, followed by 24 weeks of chemo treatments.  Thankfully he is cancer-free & has a clean bill of health.  In another fortunate turn of events, he started dating Annmarie, who was there with him through a large portion of his chemo & has been there ever since.  My sister & I fell in love with her immediately and have sort of adopted her family as our own.

My final wish was that I would stop beating myself up so much.  This is the one area where I seem to have just gotten worse.  When it comes to my personality, my opinions, and my thoughts, I spew them out indiscriminately & have accepted that facet of myself fully.  Unfortunately my inner monologue has gotten more hurtful & less forgiving when it comes to my outward appearance.  I find myself feeling more and more uneasy in any sort of public places, worrying that people are judging me.  This is true everywhere I go; from the grocery store to work to the bank.  I loathe the idea of stepping out of my car & exposing myself.  It's ridiculous how much lower my confidence has gotten, despite the lack of reason behind it.  Aside from the typical 4-5 lb holiday gain, I haven't put on any weight.  In fact, I'm still 10 lbs lighter than I was at the beginning of 2012. After an initial success at losing weight, I hit a plateau, which effectively ended any & all attempts at maintaining good exercise/eating habits.  I gained a couple pounds over the first few months, and am now another 4-5 lbs heavier thanks to my lack of self control with holiday food.  Every time I take a bite of food, whether healthy or not, I start calling myself names, making myself feel guilty for eating when I'm already overweight.  I don't want to explain just how far I have gone, but suffice it to say, I'm worried that these obsessive tendencies are similar to that of someone with an eating disorder.  Let me be clear: I don't restrict food, I don't binge & purge.  I do, however, find myself far more fixated on eating/food than is normal.  I don't want to hate myself; I just don't know how to stop.

Let's not end this on a downer, though.  My intuition that 2012 would be a year of part & counterpart was pretty accurate.  For all the negative, there was almost always a positive to balance it out.  Our finances took a hit this year, but we managed to have an amazing family vacation in Disneyland.  My Dad had cancer, got into an accident, and lost his job, but he's not facing any of this alone now that he is with Annmarie.  My Grandma was diagnosed w/ dementia, but that has resulted in the family coming together to take care of her & given me the chance to spend more time with her.  It certainly wasn't the greatest year ever, but that's the beauty of the New Year.  You get to say goodbye to all that came before and have hope for what may come next.  After 365 days, you get a fresh start.

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