First, the dark and twisty stuff:
Part 1 - Work: I stepped down as the supervisor of the department I work in b/c I hated being a manager. I thought I could do it & I managed to muddle through for a few years, but I couldn't do it anymore. I'm a worker bee again. With that step down, I got some new duties and they overwhelmed me. It wasn't the new tasks, but the addition of those tasks on top of my already full workload. Yesterday was the first day I didn't go home wishing I
Part 2 - Babies: I'm 23 days late for my period. I had some spotting & took 3 pregnancy tests. (2 at home & 1 at my doc appointment.) All were negative. At my long-awaited doctor's appointment I didn't get any news, which I figured would be the case. The doctor did a basic physical exam and said things appeared to be normal. She ordered several blood tests. I have to go in at specific times in the next month or so to have that blood work done. (It has to be done at certain times of day and certain points in my cycle. Since I didn't have a period this month, that kind of throws things off a little.) She also ordered an ultrasound to look for any kind of growths that could be causing issues. That, too, has to be done at a certain point in my cycle, so it will have to wait until later. The doctor also advised me to use an ovulation predictor kit for the next 3 months to track my ovulation. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg and many women go through a lot more to conceive, but I can tell you I'm already over it. I already want to give up b/c it's just too much and there is still a high probability after all the tests, there won't be any answers. Also, even though my father in law is paying the doctor bills, I'm scared of the cost. In the midst of all this ridiculousness, a close friend of mine found out she was pregnant. I'll go into that more later b/c it's more happy than dark & twisty.
Part 3 - Grandma: Last weekend was a rough one for my Grandma. It seems as though her dementia took a huge leap forward overnight. It's been progressing at a fairly slow & steady pace, but in the last 2 weeks it got a lot worse. I've braced myself for this, having watched my Granny struggle w/ Alzheimer's. That being said, it still feels like a punch in the stomach sometimes. No matter how well you prepare, there's no way to get comfortable watching someone you love suffer. Thinking back to all the tummy aches she eased and all the runny noses she wiped, my natural urge is to try to make her feel better. But when it comes to diseases of the mind, there isn't anything to do. I forgot how frustrating that helpless feeling can be.
In the midst of the depressing stuff, there has been goodness. And where sometimes there wasn't goodness, I dug around and found some or made some up.
For starters: my friend's pregnancy. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced infertility just how much it can play with your emotions. Having been through this before I had my daughter, and now 5 years into trying to conceive a second child, I have adapted. That's not to say I don't have my moments of sadness and envy, but I can separate my self-pity from my happiness at a friend's good news. When we first heard she was pregnant, I'll be honest, I cried. (Sorry, Chrissie. Keep reading. It gets better!) I was at my computer and I read it on fb and I broke down in tears. If he was the crying type, my hubs would have, too. Not because we're not happy that our friends are having a baby. Trust me, that's awesome. There was just that fraction of a moment when we needed to grieve for us, for our not being able to share good news that we've been trying and hoping and wishing for 5 long years. Then as quickly as the tears started, they stopped. I had my selfish moment and then I let it sink in that one of my Yentas is having a baby! After that, the only emotion was pure joy because I love my friend and I'm excited for her to be a Mommy. I'm also excited that we kind of mutually came to the conclusion that I could throw her local baby shower. There's always the hope that I'll become pregnant this year and we'll get to be pregnancy sisters, but if not, I can't let my utes hinder me from sharing in my Yenta's excitement. And I'll be damned if my stupid utes will stop me from throwing my very first baby shower!!! Eff that noise!!
With work, all it took to keep me from giving up was the opportunity to put in some extra time and get caught up. Once I whittled my to-do list down from 50+ to less than 20, I felt better. By Thursday afternoon, I was starting to see the end of the hellish backlog. When quitting time came today, I clocked out knowing that I wouldn't be coming in to a shit storm Monday morning. The work week will begin again, but I'll get through it b/c I'm no longer drowning in unfinished queries and unread emails.
The only place I haven't managed to find the silver lining is where my Grandma is concerned. The best I can do is be there for her, help where I can, and accept that sometimes life is cruel. None of us think that our loved ones will live in perfect health forever. There is always some illness lurking around the corner, ready to steal them away. For some it's cancer. For others it's heart disease or pneumonia, or any number of ailments that can strike without warning. All we can do is accept that shit happens. Good people suffer and a lot of times we can only sit back and witness it. And that, my friends, sucks. Big time. One day it will end. It will be over & my Grandma will be free from her aging body, and she'll be at peace. And when that time comes, though I hope it's not soon, I will find peace in my memories. Not the memories from the time she was sick, but the ones from before. I'll also be able to say I was there for her. It's amazing how many people turn their backs on family or friends when they're really sick. Some people just can't handle facing what the disease does to the person they care about and their best defense is to disappear. I've never been one of those people. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I turned away from someone I love. I just can't bear the thought of them struggling alone. If all I can do is offer silent support, then that's what I'll give. It's better than nothing. So I guess that is the little piece of goodness I can spin out of an unhappy situation.
Also beer. Beer helps. (Or in my case, Angry Orchards hard cider.)