Sunday, July 18, 2010

R.I.P. Hope

I have nothing eloquent to say about this weekend except that I know I am not pregnant. I allowed myself to imagine it was possible despite my better judgment and I am paying the price. The tears dried up & now I have this broken heart & absolutely no faith that I will ever experience pregnancy again. I'm grateful to have been blessed to have Trinity & to feel her growing in me for 37 amazing weeks. And as much as I want to feel that again, with a husband who would truly appreciate it, I won't allow myself to give into hope again. It's done. I'm done. Now all that is left for me to do is pray Justin is telling the truth when he says he won't love me less for not being able to give him a child of his own flesh & blood. And pray Trinity won't feel robbed of being a big sister, despite how much she wants to be one and how much she hates being an only child. As for being able to forgive myself, well, that just isn't going to happen. Though I know I have no control over such things, it's just one more reason why I hate myself. (As if I needed anymore reason.)

1 comment:

  1. oh Dish, i hate to hear you despair in such a way. But I'll listen so you can know I care.
    Mental hugs from one mom to another.



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