Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sunrise, sunset

I'm exactly 3 weeks away from turning 30. In the last month I have felt disappointment deeper than any I ever recall experiencing before, but I've also began this unbelievable transition in my life. I don't know if this metamorphosis can be attributed to my impending birthday or if it's all in my head or if it started well before I became aware. I'm not dwelling too much on the cause b/c the effect is beautiful. For the first time in a long time, I feel right. I feel like my head is on straight, I'm in control of my emotions, and it's much easier to just roll with the punches where before I'd become this frantic ball of anxiety. I've been waiting to see if this is just a passing phase or the lasting effects of growing up.

One of the most incredible thoughts crossed my mind about a week ago, which may or may not have helped induce my current mood. I sat down and took stock of all the things I had hoped to accomplish by the time I turned 30. With the exception of 3 things, I have succeeded. The path did not end up looking as I thought it would, but the destination is far more beautiful than I could have imagined. I'm especially proud of the fact that the majority of the biggest accomplishments took place only within the last 5-6 years; the time when I realized my first marriage was ending and I decided to take a huge chance. A chance which had a far greater pay-off than I expected.

Before I turn 30 I can say that I have given birth to a healthy, smart, amazing daughter who gives me more pride than anything else ever has or ever will. I can't and won't say I'm a perfect mother, b/c I am all too aware of my shortcomings in that department, but I can say that I have improved her life almost 100% over my own and that is really the best anyone can hope for. She is happy and well-adjusted and confident. She has a big heart and a big personality. She is not one of those people you can meet in life and easily forget. I see her grow each day and am in awe that I had any part in her creation. I'll keep her young just as long as I can, but also look forward to seeing the woman she will become.

Before I turn 30 I can say I have taken a leap of faith and struck out on my own to fulfill a desire for independence. I spent 10 years with someone who systematically broke me down in a way that I never fully understood until I left him. In just a few short months, I had built myself back up and grew into someone not only I could be proud of, but that I know my Granny would have been proud of.

Before I turn 30 I can say I have found my destiny. All those years I felt like there was something or someone out in the world, just waiting for me to be brave enough to step away from the life I was accustomed to. I was not searching for him, but he found me and I could not picture a single day without him in it. Again, I won't claim perfection. We've had our share of stupid arguments, jealousy, and challenges. But even at our weakest point, we're solid as a rock.

Before I turn 30 I can say I did something I thought wasn't within the realm of possibility and bought a house. Together with my child and my husband, we're transforming it into a home and filling it with our greatest memories.

Before I turn 30 I can say I have a successful career. I don't make a boat load of money and I don't work in a profession I can say I dreamed of working in as a little girl. But I've worked for the same company for 9 1/2 years and have never taken a step backward, only continued to move further upward. I can say that I am a valuable employee, worth every cent of my wage. And I can envision myself working there for many, many more years without feeling stifled or stuck.

Before I turn 30 I can say I have seen things many people never do. I was raised by two people who had no idea how to be good parents and no desire to try harder. I grew up in a home where I had to watch out for dirty razor blades & white powder residue on mirrors & picture frame glass. A home where everything wrong was my fault and I was forced to assume the role of parent b/c my own just weren't up for the challenge. Not only did I get out of that situation, I overcame the vicious cycle that abuse and addiction tends to create. I did not make the same mistakes my parents did; I learned from them. And although I cannot claim the damage is healed, it is minimal.

Before I turn 30 I can say I have been there for others when they've needed me most. (And sometimes even when they don't deserve my help.) I always strive to do the right thing, even if it means making someone mad. I'm not always attentive to every friend and their every need, but when it counts, I'm there.

Before I turn 30 I can say I've had fun. Despite the inevitable disappointments and obstacles that everyone faces, I'm happy. Very happy. I'm serious when I need to be but am always finding the humor in most everything. At times, things can bring me down but before long, I stand up, brush myself off, and laugh at it. Because life is way too short to do anything else.

No, I have not had another baby despite my desperation to do so. No, I have not gone to college. I didn't even graduate high school. I dropped out my senior year and got my G.E.D. (I was 17 and married. School seemed unimportant.) No, I have not kept my body in good shape or even put a lot of effort into being healthy until just recently. But if those are the only things I didn't accomplish in my 30's, I'd say I'm still doing pretty damn good.

1 comment:

  1. There is always by 40 to accomplish those 3 things. and I'd say you are definitely heading in the right direction!



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