Thursday, November 4, 2010

Rollercoaster...of love, say what?!

Justin & I went to bed mad at each other last night. Mad may be a harsh word. Annoyed is more applicable. But here's where the plot twist comes in: we were both annoyed at me!

I have this wonderful habit of voicing insecurity at the most inopportune time. I'm smart enough to recognize that these things I'm insecure about are silly, it doesn't make them any less valid. It all centers around one person, but the fact is that I cannot (and will not) choose my husbands friends for him nor will I "forbid" him to talk to or spend time with anyone b/c I'm not his mother, I'm his wife. Having said that, I can't say that I don't wish, deep down, that he'd just do it out of respect for my feelings. But again, it's one of those things that I simply will not ask of him. By committing to be the kind of wife who does not try to have control over my husband, I accept those people I cannot push out and do my best to have a smile on my face no matter what my personal feelings are about them. In this instance, I tend to lean more on the side of failure. I can maintain to a certain degree, but there is something about this person that makes me incredibly uneasy and weary. Not just on their end of things, but also on my husband's part. He is a people pleaser and I feel as if, should push come to shove, he may go along with things that he knows he shouldn't just to maintain a friendship. I also feel that this person is a manipulator and will use that people-pleasing personality to their advantage. I've tried to calmly explain that this person sets off my "spidey senses" in a way most people do not. My intuition tells me this person is trouble. Without being pushy, I am honest & clearly state my feelings, while reiterating that I will not ever say he cannot be friends with this person, just asking him to please be mindful and tread lightly.

As soon as I saw the irritation on his face over what I was saying, I became irritated with myself, too. I felt my protective barrier go up before I could even stop it, knowing damn well that there is no place for walls in my marriage. Knowing full well that those walls only create more problems. They harbor me from the emotions I need to feel: love, consideration, etc., so that the filters between my brain & mouth no longer work and I just spout off the first thing that pops into my head. And that first thing is almost always the wrong thing. I could hear myself saying these things and wanting to stop myself all at the same time. There are things that really should remain unsaid. My husband isn't stupid. He knows exactly how I feel about this person, so by bringing it up time and time again, I'm not changing the situation or his decision to be friends with this person. I'm just pissing him off. And I can't blame him; it would piss me off too. Then again, were the roles reversed, I wouldn't be friends with that person b/c that's just the way I am. Neither of us are right or wrong in the path we'd choose; different strokes for different folks. I know I need to stop expecting him to handle situations the same way as I would b/c as long as he's not being shady or doing things that put himself, me or our child in danger (which he definitely is not doing), I agreed to accept the friendship and I need to do just that. For me, the struggle is stopping these toxic emotions from overwhelming my common sense. Like I said before, it's the spidey senses. This person is trouble and I don't really want to be around to see just how much trouble they can be.

When it comes right down to it, the point is that I need to have self-control. I need to know when to open my big mouth and when to bite my tongue. Just b/c he doesn't handle a situation the same way I would does not mean he's wrong. It means I need to be flexible, even if it's painful sometimes.

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