Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Day 2, crippling anxiety

I'm having one of "those" days. One of those days where you're sure no one could possibly relate to the sick, sudden, and overpowering sensation that something REALLY BAD is on the horizon. One of those days where you just wish the month had one extra paycheck in it so you could actually pay the bills & not wonder if your trash will be picked up this week or if it will sit on the curb, screaming to all who pass by that you're too much of a loser to pay your damn bill. One of those days where the list of things that need to be done is so daunting, just the thought of it makes you want to vomit.

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I'm pretty sure most kindergartners don't have panic attacks, but I can clearly remember having them. I think I hold my shit together pretty well most of the time, but every once in awhile it catches up to me. In the last 6 years, the episodes have been far less frequent & my normal high-stress, high-anxiety personality has calmed down enough that it isn't affecting my body in the ways it used to. (I'll spare you the story of periods that lasted 6 weeks or all the times I would go 5 months w/out having one at all.) I think the fact that the panic attacks are less frequent makes them slightly more crippling. Before, when they were a constant thing, I had built up an impressive arsenal of coping mechanisms.
I could feel them building, which gave me time to plot my defense. Now, they just blindside me. They're shorter than in the past, but they seem stronger, more debilitating. Rather than pasting on a smile & functioning through it, I feel like I'm in quicksand. The more I try to keep going, the deeper I sink.

I know in a day or two, this will pass. In fact, as soon as I share these feelings w/ my husband, he'll probably say just the right thing to take the edge off so I can re-group & trudge on. He's great that way. Patient enough to put up w/ me, but crazy enough to keep life interesting. I'm not saying he's the magic cure-all, but he does have a knack for knowing what to say when I need to hear it the most. Or at least saying it in a way that breaks through my thick skull.**

**Note that as I was typing that last paragraph, I felt a little better thinking about all the times my JJ Dyn-o-mite has "fixed" me. Then I realized that we have an over-due phone bill & I start wondering if our texts will even go through b/c we're on the verge of being shut off. Then comes more anxiety.

See? I'm crazy.


  1. You and me both Sista. Sometimes it feels like the anxiety has up and gone, then it likes to poke its little head up out of nowhere and crush you like a spider. I love it really. Of course you know I had my first panic attack in 2 years a couple weeks ago. That felt more crippling then the constant panic and axiety I was under years ago. It never goes away. It just changes the way it announces itself. You are not alone. Except in the shower.

  2. "You are not alone. Except in the shower"

    **Sometimes not even then. :)



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