The Christmas Crazies

I've made mention in previous posts how my husband & I are procrastinators. This is never more true than at Christmas time. This year our last-minute mad dash was a result of cash flow. It being my 10th Christmas at my job, I knew I would be receiving a good sized bonus at the annual company shindig. So we used our paychecks to keep the bills (mostly) caught up, then planned great things w/ my bonus.

Alas, Murphy's Law is also much more prominent this time of year. Our heater stopped working, a few past due bills reared their ugly head, and bla, bla, bla. By the time they called my name to go up & receive my bonus, it was already almost entirely spoken for by bill collectors. I'm grateful to have the money to pay aforementioned bill collectors, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the excitement I should have felt when my boss handed me the cash was overshadowed by the knowledge that it still wouldn't be enough.

I hate to even allow money to be a concern in my life. When there is so much to be grateful for, it makes me sick that I waste any time stressing about finances. There is a saying I love that says, "Some people are so poor, all they have is money". Truer words were never spoken!! All the money in the world could never compare to the myriad of other blessings I have received & continue to receive (in spite of myself). I recognize this, yet I still stress. Receiving that bonus money felt more like a burden than a reward.

I knew I wouldn't be able to stretch it nearly as far as I wanted to. I also knew that there were folks struggling to survive, who are homeless or nearly homeless, who are worrying about how to keep their power on, who can barely feed their children. And here I am: a girl w/ a family who loves me, with friends who encourage & support me, with a warm house, food in my tummy, a stable job, and good health. Who am I to complain?! How insignificant are my worries in comparison?! And what did I do to deserve all that I have been given?!

The guilt that I feel for being even remotely ungrateful for my bonus has completely wrecked my morning. I don't have that freshly rewarded afterglow. I don't feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't want a dime of it. Luckily, the entirety of my bonus will be gone before this day ends. Unfortunately, there will still be the residual guilt that I wasn't grateful enough, that I didn't use it wisely enough, and that I didn't deserve it.

Growing up, most people dream of winning the lottery. If I react this way to $1000, what would happen if I won a sizable sum? I'd go insane, that's what.