Thursday, December 8, 2011

Hurricane of thoughts

It's one of those days, folks. The kind of day when my thoughts are so loud & numerous that when someone asks me why I'm so quiet, I suddenly realize that an hour has passed & I haven't said a word, yet I feel like I've had 50 conversations. Days like this can be helpful b/c I can process a lot of what has been running through my brain & work through much of it. Days like this can also be vicious saboteurs, pushing away those who rely on me the most b/c I'm locked inside my mind instead of living real life.

There isn't one thing that triggers this hurricane of thoughts to start whirling around my head. I think I just spend so much time pushing a lot of thoughts & feelings to the side in order to deal w/ daily life, that the excess eventually piles up too high to be neatly swept in a corner & forgotten. At some point, it topples. The debris I've tried to ignore suddenly overwhelms my senses & the outside world takes a back seat while I wade through my messy head.

I feel bad for anyone who has to read this drivel. I feel worse for those closest to me who have to put up w/ the (for lack of a better term) "dark & twisty" side of me.
The majority of the time, I'm not some sad, depressed lump. I definitely have my moments, but they're typically few and far between. These last few months have just been difficult, between the disappointment of facing the 4 year mark of trying to conceive, the stress of being too overloaded w/ responsibilities, the in-laws' divorce drama which pervades EVERYTHING (especially the holidays), lack of sufficient "down time", and most recently, our severe financial distress. And, of course, my guilt for not being more grateful for what I do have such as my good health, my ridiculously awesome family, my radical friends, and a steady job. I was bound to have what I refer to as a "Captain Depressto" moment.

I guess my whole point in writing this is 1) full disclosure. If you want to read what I'm up to, I assume you want to read everything. Also, I don't see the point in being reserved about certain things just b/c they're not funny or entertaining. If everyone were so open & honest, maybe I wouldn't feel like a space alien most of the time b/c I'd see that other people deal w/ the same stuff. And 2) it helps. It gives me an outlet for these thoughts & gets them out of my head. It may also help you, my friends and/or family to know that when I'm quiet, you shouldn't take it personally. It's usually just another hurricane that needs to blow over before I can rejoin the rest of the world.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Template by | Header Image by Freepik