Monday, December 12, 2011

Trying to find the words

We all experience those moments in our lives where we just can't find words. Usually those moments are few and far between for me, but that's the situation I've been in the last couple of days.

See, I like to write. I can write several paragraphs on the most mundane topic without much trouble at all. When there is good news, no matter how trivial, I share it with anyone & everyone. When there is bad news, though, I tend to get quiet & introspective, but generally don't have too much trouble spitting out a few words on the topic. But then there is the really, really bad news that causes me to clam up instantly. A thousand and one things run through my mind, but most of it doesn't find it's way out of me. I don't know what to say or do. My first instinct is humor. Crack some jokes to lighten the mood. There are just some situations where that can't be done. When I can't fall back on bad jokes, I got nothin'.

Obviously, you can guess where this is going: I received some bad news & I'm about to share it. I've debated on whether I should write about it on here, but ultimately knew I would as soon as I could formulate any coherent word structure on the subject. I just had to make my way through the shock, distress, worry, and grief to get to the point where I could talk freely about it. Also, I debated on writing about it at all b/c it's not really my news to share. The news affects me in a deep way, but it's not exactly happening to me, so there is the worry that I'll make this about myself & that's not at all what I want to do.

I suppose the easiest thing to do is just to lay it out there. So, here goes: my Dad has colon cancer. He came into town Saturday to share the news w/ me & a few other family members in person. But he decided to wait to tell me b/c we were having my husband's birthday party & he didn't want to bring the mood down. I was confused as to why he was in town on such short notice, but I didn't give it too much thought. I certainly never considered it had anything to do with an illness or anything similar. Yesterday morning while I was in the shower, my Dad called & left me a voicemail. That's when my spidey senses really started tingling. It is very unlike him to visit one day then call the next. Again, I never considered it was something wrong with him. I thought maybe it had to do with my Grandpa or another relative. When I called him back, he told me the news. I don't remember what I said in response. I'm sure it was classically bland yet supportive b/c I am good at that. (I don't know exactly what I said out loud b/c my brain was so cluttered with thoughts. Who knows which ones made their way out?!)

My hubby & I were blessed w/ a child-free day yesterday, which gave me the luxury of focusing on the situation and not being pulled in several different directions. I'm the kind of person who HAS to process things quickly or they will eat away at me much longer than they should. So with the combination of my Dad's hopefulness, my husband's support, and a little time, I think I've gotten through the first wave of emotions.

I had a little text convo w/ my brother last night & was relieved to hear that while he remained overall positive, he was also feeling out of sorts. It was nice to know it wasn't just me who was feeling that way. He, too, was questioning whether he has spent enough time w/ Dad and whether he should be more worried or be secure in the knowledge that they most likely caught it in the early stages. I don't want to immediately think of the worst-case scenario but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind. I know for a fact that I haven't spent nearly as much time with my Dad as I want to and I'm nowhere near ready to say goodbye to him. Just considering that possibility makes me feel guilty b/c the odds are that he will be just fine. I don't want to over-dramatize, but I don't want to play down the seriousness, either. Which is why it's been so hard for me to find the right words.

I suppose all I can really do is stay positive, pray hard, and wait to see what happens. The first two are easy, but the waiting is going to drive me crazy. Or crazier, I should say. I honestly don't know how much I'll blog on this particular topic b/c just writing about it now has me in tears. I do ask that any of you who read this, please send healing thoughts and/or prayers.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry! I know people like Sharon Osborne have survived and for many years so keep positive. My mom is having a biopsy on her tounge for a sore that won't go away and it is really scary (she has smoke all her life starting at age 17) do I can semi relate. I'm glad he's making an effort to see you all more. *hugs*



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