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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Utes are the devil


I am participating in the Blogging From A-Z Challenge. Each day in April (except the last 4 Sundays), I will post topic themes that begin with the letters of the alphabet, from A-Z. Today's letter is U.

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I have talked & talked until I'm blue in the face about how evil my utes are.  Why can't they just work like so many other people's utes work?  I bring this up b/c I had another negative pregnancy test.  I knew I shouldn't even consider it as a possibility b/c at this point (over 4 years of trying), it's most likely not going to happen.  However, I've been pretty regular for the last few years, so being 6 days late seemed like a valid excuse to allow myself a little hope.

All day Sunday it was the only thing on my mind.  The hubs & I talked about how this would affect our plans for Disneyland this year & the various things that would have to be altered to accommodate a mini-Sams.  We were both tentative, but hopeful.  We decided I'd wait & take the test first thing Monday morning b/c rumor has it the first morning's pee is the most potent.

Monday morning I woke up just kind of knowing what the result would be.  So I prepared myself.  I walked into the bathroom, opened the now familiar little foil pouch that the pee stick is wrapped in, and did my business.  And as I had suspected, it was negative.  

There are times when seeing that single line indicating my utes are bereft of child, I feel like a failure.  My heart feels as if it's breaking into little pieces & I question everything about myself.  What kind of horrible piece of shit must I be to not be able to get pregnant when so many women pop out babies like they're human pez dispensers?! 

But the last couple of negatives haven't hurt quite so much.  They're still disappointing, but I think I'm finally getting numb to them.  I'm just not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  Maybe a little of both?  In any case, I'm going to take this in stride and focus on losing weight for our trip.  One day we'll go see a doctor & hopefully get a final yay or nay on the baby making business.  Until then, I'm just going to do what I do best: trudge onward.  

11 comments:

  1. Wishing you luck on this journey. It's a tough go when you want something other's seem to have so easily.
    Focus on vaca...fun times! ♥

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    1. Distraction is the name of the game. Plus the vaca is gonna be amazing!! :)

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  2. So hard to be on that hopeful roller coaster ride. Sometimes our dreams are fulfilled in other ways in our lives that take us longer to recognize. Best of luck and good health on this journey!

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  3. They do say once you forget about it, it happens. Enjoy your trip and try not to think about it. Though I've been there and know well the obsession.

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    1. When I got pregnant w/ my daughter, I was planning to leave my husband at the time. I had boxes packed & was sleeping on a cot in our bedroom, just biding my time until I could find an apartment & move out. Obviously that scenario isn't gonna happen again, so I need to find an equally good distraction.

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  4. <3 big hugs. I'm so sorry you've been on this journey for so long. It sucks.

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    1. It does, but I know you know that first-hand, too. So I'll send some hugs right back at ya. <3

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  5. Sorry. Have a lovely trip to Disneyland!

    Visiting from A to Z,

    Monti
    Mary Montague Sikes

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! The trip will be awesome!!

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  6. *hugs* I'm right there with ya, except for me it is irregular periods and a boyfriend who is still finishing school/only working temp part time jobs so it isn't an option right now. :( It is hard, I hope you can get to the Dr. soon to help things out.

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    1. Thanks, friend! I've got my fingers crossed for both of us. ;)

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