Slight change of plans

I took my mom down to disability services where they told her that she doesn't qualify for in-home care b/c she doesn't need help bathing or going to the bathroom.  I find that a little silly considering the people I know who receive care, none of whom need help w/ the real intimate stuff.  All's well, though.  I'm just gonna suck it up, set my issues aside, and do what needs to be done.  I'll be going to my mom's house 2-3 days a week to do some cleaning & laundry for her b/c she legitimately needs the assistance.  It would have been nice to make a little extra money for doing it, but I'm not going to leave her high & dry just b/c the state doesn't want to pony-up.  I feel guilty now that I even considered trying to get the state to pay me a wage for doing what a good child would do for their parent for free.  I really am a shitty daughter.

This week has flown by & I've spent most of it in a funk.  We loaned a friend $100 last Friday & he was supposed to pay it back the very next day.  Alas, it's been a week since we gave him the money & we haven't received a dime in repayment.  It has eaten me alive thinking about how he played us for fools.  If I knew where he lived, I'd be on his doorstep, but I only have his phone number & after literally filling is voicemail box, I've started texting him multiple times a day.  My favorite time to text is in the morning before I leave for work.  I leave the house a little after 4am, so I'm sure it's not the greatest time to get a text message.  He hasn't responded since last Tuesday when he promised to pay us on Wednesday.  Despite his lack of response, I continue to send texts reminding him what that $100 meant to my family (it was our electric bill money) & what it cost him (a 20 yr friendship) when he decided to burn us.  I've made a commitment to myself to not think about it this weekend & just focus on being w/ my family.  However, when Tuesday rolls around, I'll be texting again.  I know it won't bring me my money back, but it will make things extremely uncomfortable for him, which is the next best thing to actually getting repaid.

Me at the beach 2007

By nature, I'm wound way too tight.  The only time I feel completely relaxed is when I'm near the ocean.  The cool, slightly overcast atmosphere of the Oregon coast is quite possibly the closest thing to Shangri-La I have ever found.  When I'm standing on the beach, watching the waves crash against rocks, I am at peace.  It's a wonder how I made it so long between visits to the coast when I was younger b/c for the last 6 years it has become a necessity for me to visit at least once each summer.  In a perfect world, I'd go several times throughout the year just to reset myself.  I had harbored a secret hope that we'd be able to juggle our bills enough to make a day trip to the beach this weekend.   If I ever needed to decompress, the time is now.  I'm still crossing my fingers that we'll somehow be able to justify spending the gas money to make the trip, but it's looking to be a long shot.  One of these days I'd really like to drive over alone & spend the day on the beach completely by myself.  It's a selfish dream I have and not one I'm going to indulge in anytime soon b/c I prefer having my family nearby.  But one day I will do it.  I envision myself sitting on a blanket on the beach, gray skies & a chilly breeze, alternating between reading a book & watching the waves. With no one around to distract me, no responsibilities bearing down on me, it seems like the ultimate freedom.  *sigh*

Speaking of reading, I added a little widget here on my blog that shows how many books I've read this year.  I have an account on goodreads.com b/c I'm a hopeless book junkie.  While messing around w/ my profile on there, I saw an opportunity to join a 2012 book challenge where I could set myself a goal for how many books I want to read this year.  I set my goal at 40 & I'm currently about 25% of the way through my 21st book.  Not too shabby for a girl w/ no free time.  The only reason I really get to read as much as I do is b/c I steal time to do it.  For example, part of my job in the mornings at work is to download the previous day's results & update them in our system.  There are 2 portions of that task that require me to sit & wait for it to run through some processes, which take between 5-15 minutes each, depending on how many calls were made the day before.  That's buys me 10-30 minutes 5 days a week to sit & read, guilt free.  The computer is frozen up while these processes are running, so it's either read or stare at the screen forever.  Then there is the time from when I arrive at Trin's school to when she actually gets into the car.  Trin is a dawdler, so I usually sit in the car for at least 10-20 minutes while she casually strolls out of class, stops & talks to all her friends, and climbs a tree in the grassy area by the parking lot.  Sometimes I even get 5 or 10 minutes later in the afternoon while I'm waiting for the hubs to get off work.  I think the time I get to sneak in a few pages of reading is the only thing that keeps me from hating my role as family chauffeur.

I'm not one to be content sitting still.  I often wonder how I ever handled life before my child was born.  I think back & it's a miracle I made it this far.  It's no wonder I was so depressed & even suicidal.  I had only 2 friends whom I didn't really spend much time with, no children, a husband I loathed, and a broken family.  Until I started working for the company I work at now, I couldn't even find fulfillment in my job.  I didn't volunteer or get involved in anything.  My time was spent reading, writing, and doing the occasional cross-stitching project.  As hectic as things are now, it's perfect for me b/c not only do I enjoy being busy, what I'm doing is fulfilling.  I'm a partner in a good marriage, I'm raising a child, I volunteer my time to helping a non-profit I love, and now I'm assisting my mom when she needs me most.  I can't lie to myself or anyone else & claim perfection.  I can't even claim anything near to perfection.  But I have direction, hobbies, passions.  I have love & humor in abundance.  Now if I could just make it to the beach this weekend, I think I'd be able to face the world w/ a renewed spirit.  Refreshed & ready for more.