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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Very, Very Small

This week's GBE2 prompt of the week is "very, very small", but I'm writing with a pain that is very, very big.

This morning I woke up feeling like it just might be possible that after 5 years of trying, crying and wishing, my girly bits could be cooperating.  I should have known better, but I let my guard down.  I allowed myself to feel hopeful and by the afternoon, my body knocked me back down a peg.

I think my facebook post from this afternoon said it all:

"Until you've struggled with infertility for longer than a year (5 years, in my case), you can't possibly understand just how much one tiny ray of hope will both drive you and destroy you. Month after excruciating month."

There isn't much I can write that I haven't already written.  Besides, nobody likes a whiner.  I have been lucky enough to have one child.  I was blessed to carry a beautiful, healthy little girl inside my body.  It's not as though I'm ungrateful for her.  I realize how amazing and huge it is that she was given to me; that I nourished her within me and labored for 13.5 hours to bring her into the world.  She is perfect, freckly, smart and hilarious.

Justin is an amazing father.  Trin is not biologically his, but he is her Daddy in every single sense of the word. Yet he missed the beginning of it all.  He didn't get to feel her kick the first time.  He didn't get to see her static-y image on a screen while a technician moved a transducer around on my gooey tummy.  He has never witnessed that moment when your child enters the world and you see a little piece of yourself in them and you feel so full of love that you think you'll burst.  I want to give him that, but I can't.

Each month, I hold my breath and pray that my period won't come.  Hope.  It's what keeps me going.  And when I see the first signs that my prayers aren't being answered yet again, its having that little bit of hope that breaks my heart.  Piece by tiny piece.

10 comments:

  1. I don't have any words that could help even the teeniest bit. I am sorry for your pain, though, and I hope that one of these months, your tears will be the joyful kind.

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    1. I hope so, too. :) Thanks for reading.

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  2. Stopping over from the A to Z Challenge page. Will send good thoughts your way!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry that the first post you read was one of my more depressing ones. I promise they're not all this sad.

      Good luck on the A to Z Challenge!!

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  3. {{hugs}} I totally feel you. I've been in the exact same boat. it truly sucks. I'm sending good thoughts & prayers your way!

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    1. Thank you! I'll send good thoughts & prayers your way, too. :)

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  4. I've known many couples to get pregnant by adoption. That's right. As soon as they adopt another kid. Boom! Good luck to you. My brother and his wife had twins after ten attempts of envitro-fertilization. The doctor had told them it just wasn't going to happen and they should adopt. Praying for you.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2013/03/gbe2-very-very-small.html

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    1. I have a friend who spent years trying to get pregnant and then not long after their daughters' adoption was finalized, she got pregnant. :)

      We are very open to adoption, but agencies are expensive so we're considering independent adoption or adopting a child that is in the state's foster care.

      Thanks for the prayers. :)

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