Wednesday, December 4, 2013

An open letter to psycho Sister-in-law

I've been allowing my frustrations with my psycho sister-in-law to eat me alive.  Not being able to speak up & tell her what's on my mind, whether it will make a difference or not, is causing me way more distress than I care to admit.  I'm tired of losing sleep and having panic attacks because I can't just say what I need to say.  Since she doesn't use the internet, I feel like my blog is a good place to get this all out.  Time to release these toxic emotions and make room for happier ones.  So, here goes:

Dear Psycho,

For 4 months, my family has endured your high dramatics and constant looming threats, but no more.  No longer do you get to fly off the handle while the rest of us scramble to appease you for fear of losing contact with your kids or some other such nonsense.  Whatever hold you had is done.  Why, you ask?  Because in all your infinite drunken wisdom, your phone call to the probate attorney served only one purpose: it proved to an unbiased 3rd party just how incoherent and crazy you really are.  Finally, you allowed your true colors to shine bright and where did it get you?  No-fucking-where.  You ran your mouth and even the attorney was so disgusted with your greed and attitude that he won't even answer your phone calls anymore.  The only way you're going to get anyone to listen to you is to hire an attorney of your own, which our attorney has already said will be difficult because you don't have a single valid argument in your favor and only a slime ball attorney would take your case anyway.  Vindication!!  Finally someone else can see you for who you really are.  And dragging your boyfriend into it was a huge mistake.  He was "so close" with Mom, huh?  How many times have you guys broken up in the last 2 years?  Just a couple weeks before she passed away, Mom called me because Joe told her he was going to put you in the hospital if she didn't get you out of that apartment right then.  Class act, that one.  You sure know how to pick them.

Let's begin with your accusations.

  1. Accusing your brother & dad of being in cahoots against you.  An interesting accusation considering that throughout this whole ordeal, your Mom's estate has been overseen by a probate attorney who makes it legally impossible to be unfair to you.  Not only that, but if you only knew how many times we considered avoiding your dad for awhile because his constant defense of your actions was becoming unbearable to hear.  The fact is, your dad was the ONLY person on your side until you decided to call him up and curse him out.  
  2. Accusing your brother & I of living in Mom's house already.  This one is just silly considering any moron can see where we sleep at night.  Aside from the boxes we've taken to Mom's for storage purposes while our house went on the market, everything else is still in our home.  We will NOT be vacating that home until we are legally required to do so.  Although, for your own peace of mind, don't worry, we won't be homeless.  The attorney has said that while its not the ideal situation, we are allowed to move into Mom's house before the sale closes b/c it will be such a short period of time between our house sale and our purchase of Mom's house being finalized.  But I'm glad you cared enough to worry about the consequences of your actions and how they might leave a family w/ one child & another on the way homeless.
  3. Your latest smear campaign involving credit card fraud.  Yes, we have a Chase Disney card in which your Mom was the account holder.  She opened this card OF HER OWN ACCORD AND FREE WILL nearly 1 year before she passed away.  Not only that, but she opened the account for the sole purpose of making Justin an authorized user, meaning he has every right to use it as he wishes.  She did that so we could finance part of our Disneyland trip and told Justin that he could use it however he wanted, as long as he made the payments.  No, the attorney did NOT have this credit card listed w/ the rest of the estate's debts b/c it is OUR debt.  WE are paying it off ourselves and have stated that to attorney multiple times.  He is aware of this fact and has no problem with it.  It is, however, interesting that you would even be aware of this credit card considering it was NOT listed in any of the attorney's communication. I wonder where that bit of information came from and if you gathered it by legal means?
Those are just 3 of the accusations you've hurled at your brother since Mom died.  Did you ever once wonder how he was handling her passing?  Particularly at a time when he's also expecting his first biological child?  Even more selfishly, did you ever wonder what the stress of your antics was doing to our baby or the risk that it put on this pregnancy?  I bet I know the answer to that question.

In addition to your never-ending barrage of lies and gossip being spread to God and country, there is also the matter of your utter lack of respect for your mother.  The very mother you keep telling people was your "best friend".  What have you done to honor her memory?  What have you done to make her proud, either before her death or after?  Not one fucking thing, that's what!  Never once could she say "this is my daughter and here is the amazing thing she has done".  You were a disgrace and an embarrassment from early on and she never once got to brag about a single thing you accomplished.  You have never taken care of your children.  Were it not for Mom, your kids would have probably been taken by DHS long ago.  Then you abandoned them for a boyfriend and went months without contacting them.  You didn't fight for them in the divorce and in nearly 2 years, you haven't once stayed sober long enough to drive the half an hour to pick them up for your visitation weekends.  In fact, were it not for Mom, you wouldn't have seen them at all this past summer.  You're too busy getting drunk and pumping whatever else into your body that you never face reality.  Your dysfunction and alcoholism is what prompted Mom to remove you completely from her life insurance and 401K.  She was terrified that leaving you any money would give you the opportunity to kill yourself w/ excessive drinking.  When your dad & brother decided to celebrate Mom's bday with a bbq, where were you?  You were at your house, drunk off your ass.  When we asked you to join us in choosing her urn or checking out the cemetery we were considering, where were you?  Home drunk...again.  Do I really need to go on?!

All history aside, if you were the super-daughter you claim to be, wouldn't you have stepped in to handle the most basic of responsibilities during Mom's passing?  Let's tally up what you've done, shall we?

  1. Did you make the decision to take her off life support?  Nope.  The entire family and the doctors all witnessed you walking out of the room and leaving that decision squarely on your brother's shoulders.  I had to get one of the uncles to go outside to find you so you could even be there with her when she passed.  How much time did you spend in her hospital room that day, anyway?  20 minutes total? If that? 
  2. Did you make the phone call to have her body transported from the hospital down to the funeral home?  Nope.  The pregnant daughter in law handled that one.  I tried to talk to you about it, but you brushed me off.  
  3. Did you send any of her insurance information to the hospitals and ambulance companies when the bills started coming in?  Nope.  Again, the pregnant daughter in law did that.  Which, by the way, is the only reason you'll be seeing a dime after probate closes.  Were it not for insurance covering the majority of those bills, every single penny from the sale of the house would be used to pay just a portion of those doctor's bills.
  4. Did you have any contact with the funeral home regarding her final arrangements?  Nope.  That was all your brother, your dad, and me.  Not that you weren't offered the opportunity.  Again, you brushed us off because you just didn't want to deal with it.  (I'll let you in on a secret: none of us wanted to deal with it.  It was extremely emotional.  But Mom deserved our attention and care in planning what to do w/ her body after everything she had done for all of us.)
  5. Did you help with her memorial service?  Nope.  Justin & I planned, paid, and contacted everyone about that, too.  In fact, I made the slideshow and programs myself.  Since you only really speak in dollar signs, I won't bother telling you the depth of the sadness we felt as we carefully planned each detail of the memorial.  Instead, I'll let you in on some of the cost: $740 to rent the chapel & hire the chaplain and staff, $129 for the obituary, $40 to print the programs, $30 for the guest book, $50+ for flowers, and $300 for her urn.  If you're keeping track, that was $1259 out of our pockets that you not only didn't help with, but you didn't even attend the memorial.  Instead, you called your dad the night before and said you weren't going.  Your kids showed up and so did your ex-husband, but don't worry.  They made sure to do what you would have done, which was ask Justin about taking stuff out of Mom's house.  I can see compassion runs deep with your offspring.  They couldn't even let any of us grieve before they began asking about what was in it for them.  
  6. Did you help pick out her final resting place?  Nope.  Again, that was Justin & I.  We found the cemetery and financed the niche ourselves.  We've paid just over $1000 on the $6000 niche, by the way, but you wouldn't know that because that, too, is something you refuse to help with.  The monthly payment for that is over 2x what our monthly power bill costs!
  7. Have you helped keep her house safe and secure, or helped with any upkeep on it?  Nope.  That is all Justin, your dad, and me.  Hell, even Trinity has pitched in with feeding her fish and checking her mail.  That's sad when an 11 year old, who isn't even biologically related, does more to respect your Mom than you do.  Once again, we've offered you multiple chances to help box up her belongings and take what you want.  Instead, you walked through, asked for the 50" flat screen tv and blu-ray player.  The only sentimental item you took was a blanket.  Everything else was all about value.  Since that seems to be your language, let me also ask, have you helped pay the power, water, garbage, or Lowe's bill since Mom passed?  Nope.  That burden has fallen solely on Justin & me.  Each month, we pay those bills out of our own pockets, in addition to taking care of the pool from August to October and cleaning up the fallen leaves on the property, feeding her fish, checking her mail, and making sure that no one breaks into her house.  In fact, someone is there every single day, just so no vandals or thieves think it's empty and try to break in.  Well, no one except your ex-husband and kids, who broke in the day after she passed away.  Once again, great morals you've fostered there.  
  8. Have you made any of the difficult phone calls to the social security administration, her bank, or any other of the organizations that need to be notified when someone passes away?  Nope.  Your brother made every single one of those phone calls.  I'd try to express how hard that was for him, but what's the point? It doesn't involve money so you wouldn't understand.
I just listed 8 of the most basic responsibilities of children with a deceased parent and you have managed to shirk each and every one.  And yet you have the audacity to claim some sort of entitlement over anything?  Justin gave you the opportunity to take what you wanted from the house.  Your dad had to drive you over there, you chose the highest value items, then you were done.  Now suddenly you feel cheated and want to drag out probate even longer because you have some misguided idea that there is more money to be made?  You do realize that the longer you drag this out, the more the estate has to pay in attorney's fees and to reimburse us for the upkeep on Mom's bills, right?!  And there is NO money in the estate at all until we finalize the sale of her house.  Surely you're not so stupid that you'd think whatever bullshit you throw our way isn't going to come back on you in the end?  You're already devoid of any kindness, love, or compassion.  You're already a waste of human life.  How much lower can you sink?  I would feel sorry for you, but it's kind of hard to do that when all of your drama could directly impact the security of my children.  I will NOT be homeless when this baby is born.  She will come home from the hospital and grow up in the very home her father grew up in.  While your boyfriend spends every last dime of the inheritance you get from the estate, then leaves you all alone when the money dries up, we'll have a happy family, full of love and new memories being made each and every day.

We tried to include you in everything, just as we tried to be there for your children.  Instead, you pushed us all away and then used your kids as spies.  The sad thing is, they're so much like you that even they have learned to lie and manipulate just to cause drama.  And just like you, they'll wind up alone in the end b/c someone with that much vindictiveness in their heart will force people to turn away from them.  You have robbed your dad of the opportunity to rely on both of his kids for moral support during one of the hardest times of his life.  You've robbed your brother of the opportunity to go through this with his sister by his side.  You've also managed to distract us all from the joy that a new family member can bring.  You've ruined the relationships your children had with this side of the family b/c you've taught them to be liars, thieves, and sociopaths.  You've robbed my daughters of an extended family that at one time was able to go on vacations and spend holidays together.  Yet after everything you've taken from us, we have persevered because we still have a happy marriage, strong values, and a happy (albeit smaller) family.  The only loser in all of this is you.



  1. That's a messy situation to be with. I'm impressed you handled yourself in quite a civil manner. At least it seems you didn't have problems anymore after that episode, and you were able to do your work as executor without much fanfare. I'm sure your mom would have been proud of you.
    Trudy Nearn @

    1. Thank you! :) We still haven't closed probate b/c we have to wait to file the taxes for the estate, but we haven't had any contact w/ my sister-in-law and there haven't been any more incidents w/ her. We closed on my mother-in-law's house & all has been quiet since then. My sister-in-law will have her money soon. That's all she really wanted from all this anyway.



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