Friday, November 14, 2014

Self Portrait

Day 14 of the November photo challenge is one I've been dreading.  I hate pictures of myself.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I hate thinking about how much I hate pictures of myself b/c then it becomes an even bigger internal battle to silence the voice that tells me I'm not pretty, never have been pretty, and never will be pretty.  This feeling becomes magnified by 1000 right after having a baby b/c of the weight gain and squishiness that comes with an adorable new human.

So rather than trying to find a picture of me *attempting* to look decent and put-together, I'll share one in which there is no chance that I will appear like something I'm not.  I took this picture a few days ago b/c I was shocked at how puffy and tired my eyes were.  When you avoid the mirror at all costs, you don't realize the toll life takes on your physical being until it's significant and unavoidable.  Life is exhausting me. I feel run down, tore up, and fatigued in a way I've never experienced before.  It's not just b/c I have a mobile infant and a tween in the house.  It's everything.  It's working a job that is slowly chipping away at me.  It's a marriage that isn't getting the care and attention it deserves because we're both too tired and busy just trying to keep everything else afloat.  It's a house that I don't have time to organize despite the clutter bearing down on me.  It's my oldest daughter's lack of interest in school and lousy grades when she's always done phenomenal on her schoolwork.  It's being fat and uncomfortable in my skin, but not being motivated to take the necessary steps to change it.  It's the reality of mortality that seems to have become too real since Judy died, and the worry that something bad is going to happen and take me away from my loved ones too soon or take them away from me.  It's the idea that this is as good as it gets for me.  That life will never stop being a constant juggling act and just be peaceful for a minute.  It's knowing that all of these emotions and thoughts are a result of a bout of chronic depression and that I just have to ride the wave until it passes.

Here is my self-portrait.  A true-to-life, no frills look into the face of someone who desperately needs a moment to unwind and re-group.  And a nap.

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