I'm participating in the Blogging from A-Z Challenge again this year. Today's post is brought to you by the letter H.
Many times I've made grand proclamations that "this is my last fat year" or "I'm finally going to do it". Every time, I start and fail. Each time, the lull between the next failed attempt grows longer and longer, while the time I actually stick to my guns gets shorter and shorter.
It's not that I have a need to be skinny. I don't. I just want to feel good. The best I've ever felt in my adult life was the period of time when I had worked really hard to not only lose weight, but eat healthier. I was energetic, motivated, and so insanely proud of myself for actually attaining some goals for once. I was my own cheerleader and support group. I relied on my own willpower to change something that was making me unhappy and I succeeded. I didn't reach my ultimate end goal, but I made it far enough to feel accomplished.
I needed to feel that way again. I needed to feel like I was in control of myself in some small way. That I am not a worthless lump. It had less to do with actual fitness or body shape and more about the way I feel when I know I'm trying to be better. I also needed to do it "under the radar". No wordy facebook posts or workout selfies. No pinning a million fitness ideas to my inspirational board, no preemptive blog posts declaring the beginning of the end of being lazy. Nope. I just had to jump in and do it this time. I even hesitated mentioning it now, just because I'm scared of jinxing myself and looking like a fool.
I started small. Dusting off ye ole' SparkPeople and tracking my food, just to see what I was eating and what my calorie intake would look like if I wanted to lose 60 lbs in 1 year. And just like that, I was back on the wagon. No one knew except me, at first. Then I told my husband, and now my oldest daughter is aware b/c she sees me logging my food every day. My friends at work now know b/c a couple of them are also trying to eat better. I'm taking baby steps, though. I don't want to burn out as quickly as I usually do. I need to make it further than I have in the past. Even if I stop and re-start a million more times, I need to see improvement over each burst of motivation. Longer, better, stronger.
In the first 15 days, I lost 7 lbs. Now at 1 month into it, I've lost 12 lbs and counting. More than that, since getting back into the swing of things, my brain feels less foggy. I'm still tired b/c I'm lucky to get 5 hours of sleep per night, and even that is interrupted at least once by a toddler needing her "rock-a-baby". But my energy levels are definitely higher than they've been in a long time. Just knowing I'm taking some control over how shitty I've felt these last 3 years has boosted my self confidence. I don't try to hide in my hoody anymore, even though my body hasn't visibly changed. I don't care what it looks like; I feel good. I did set a goal weight, but I'm not concerned with that goal so much as just proving to myself that my will is stronger than the voices in my head telling me I'm a loser.
At this point, now that I'm over a month in, I'm starting to believe in myself. A girl could really get used to this.