Sunday, April 16, 2017

Managing, mostly #AtoZChallenge

I'm participating in the Blogging from A-Z Challenge again this year. Today's post is brought to you by the letter M.


There are moments when I feel like I really have my shit together.  I'm on top of my to-do list, my house is clean, my kids are well taken care of, my marriage is smooth sailing, everyone is happy and life is perfect.

And then I wake up from my magical dream land, probably because one of my kids is screaming bloody murder or complaining that they're starving.

The truth is, I never have it all together.  Some days are better than others, but most of the time, I'm just faking it or managing to juggle life the best I can.  Even people who grew up in "perfect" homes can say that being an adult is difficult.  Imagine being raised by addicts who had no business being responsible for little people, as well as a wide array of relatives and friends' parents who thankfully filled in where they could.  I just wasn't equipped with the skills to do this "grown up" thing.  Add kids to the mix, and it makes things even more complicated.

But somehow, I'm managing...mostly.  My kids are alive and not malnourished or neglected.  They live in a stable home, aren't exposed to an ever-changing cast of characters ala Faces of Meth, and their basic needs, and most wants, are met.  My marriage is exactly a month away from hitting the decade mark and I'd call it a success.  I don't forsee divorce or separation in our near or distant future.  It's not all roses, but it works and we make a good team when we remember to work together instead of letting our stubbornness get in the way.  Our debt to income ratio just took a turn toward the right direction, thanks to the recent refinance we did on our home, so that feels good.  We still live paycheck to paycheck, but we're finding ways to stretch it further, rather than digging the hole deeper.  To me, that's a pretty good sign that I'm not an epic failure.

Two days ago, I had the mother of all meltdowns and had to force myself to bed early and cry out my feelings.  In addition to the drama I was experiencing, there were thoughts of "what the hell am I thinking bringing another child into the world" swirling around my head.  All I could think was I am already screwing everything up with the two I have, why would I want to do that to another innocent soul?  

Yesterday was an improvement over the day before, but I still felt like I was drowning in quicksand.  

Today, I can breathe.  My house is still thrashed, but I have a better handle on my mommy and wifey duties.  I don't have that overwhelmed sensation or an urgent pull to run screaming from everything and everyone.  There are no tears. There are lots of smiles.  These are the days I have to store in my memory, to remind me that I don't have to be perfect and that when things get to be too much, it's only a matter of time before the strain eases.  I will be ok.  My kids will be ok.  My hubs will be ok.  Everything will be ok.  Perfect is a myth, but ok is just fine.

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