Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I have such a hard time reconciling the amount of appreciation I want vs. the amount that I receive. And when I do receive aforementioned appreciation, I feel embarrassed and undeserving. How does that make any sense?!

Case in point: last night I took a pregnancy test. One again, it was negative. At first I didn't feel overly emotional about it, but later in the evening it started to bother me. I posted on my twitter that negative pregnancy tests make me feel like a failure as a woman then logged off and went about my nightly business. During the evening, the hubs & I got into an argument b/c he was buying dvds that we can't afford thanks to an impending Disneyland trip that is costing an arm and a leg. We had already talked about putting a freeze on frivolous spending until we get back from vacation, but apparently that rule only applies to me b/c he is freely spending money on whatever strikes his fancy. I was irritated and I told him that I was upset that he was buying dvds with money that should go toward our trip. He smarted off "yes mommy" and when I tried to retort, he cut me off mid-sentence, walked out the front door and left. I was understandably frustrated with his snide remark & inability to hear me out. I work my ass off, bring in the majority of our household income, do the majority of house/yard work, etc. I deserve to say my piece. Not to mention, he can disagree w/ me without being an asshole about it. But to treat me as if I'm some nagging wife when I rarely to never tell him what to do or how to do it; that is completely uncalled for. I felt disrespected, to say the very least. While lurking around my social networking sites to distract myself, I logged into twitter and found a series of tweets from my dear friend in response to my previous tweet about the negative test result. She said:

"i wish more than anything i could help you understand your such an amazing non fail at womanhood. your one of the greatest women i have ever had the pleasure to call a friend. You take care of your family regardless of their ungrateful attitudes, excel at job that is not fulfilling to you for your family. Your always there for your friends when we need to hear things, even when we would rather hear bullshit rolled in powdered sugar. and if thats not an epic win i dont know what else is. i understand why you are ever so frustrated, but your more success as a woman than the majority of us out there. Sorry for the tweet book, but i love you. I hope you always know you can’t fail at something you have no control over."

The combination of having a friend giving me encouragement that I so badly needed and validation for the hard work I put into my family brought me to tears. The only disappointment was that it wasn't my husband or my daughter saying those incredibly flattering things. That's b/c they don't see the sacrifices I make to keep them happy. They are ungrateful for my hard work, my sleepless nights, my chaotic schedule.......the list goes on and on. But it was such a comfort to me to have my friend tell me I'm not a failure. While it was nice to hear her say those things, it also made me feel like I don't deserve that kind of praise. I'm not the perfect saint of a wife/mother. I make mistakes constantly. But at the same time, I know that I put everything I have into my family, which should count for something. But then I realize there are women who do more than me and are better at it than I could ever hope to be. But then I think I'm still doing a lot considering the type of household I grew up in. But then I think of people who had it worse and accomplish 10 times more than I have.

See what I'm saying? It makes no sense.

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