Monday, June 28, 2010

Growing pains

I've been pushing myself a lot lately. I'm not sure what it was that motivated my need for personal growth, but it happened and as per usual I'm running head-first with little thought. I have to b/c if I don't I'll never break out of my comfort zone. I'm not certain who reads this blog, so I've reserved most of the specifics for my actual journal that I keep tucked away in it's hiding place. But let's just say that I have made an attempt to be supportive of something I never thought I would. Granted, it sucks. I don't like compromising on this particular issue, but I'm doing it b/c despite my long list of reasons why I shouldn't, the reason why I should trumps everything. Love, my friends, is a dirty whore who makes us into better people by beating us into submission. By coercing us to have faith when our deep-seeded childhood issues typically make us fear such co-dependence. It makes us see that sometimes we have to put our entire heart in another person's hands and trust that they won't break it. So I am (metaphorically) pulling that last piece of my heart out of my chest and handing it over, unprotected. I am trusting that it will be cared for b/c deep down I know it will be. I am relinquishing that bit of control and forcing myself to accept that I don't have to always be so damned defensive. There are certain situations that putting my guards down can actually make me stronger rather than exposing my weakness.

This weekend was my first opportunity to expand my comfort zone and I would measure it a success. There were a few bumpy moments, but overall I'd say I did well. I'm still feeling it all out and deciding exactly how it affects my usual role. Once you've carved a niche for yourself, it feels sort of unnatural changing it. It can be compared to the first time you begin a workout regimen; at first, your muscles are sore and you're clumsy but as you continue, the discomfort goes away and your movements are more natural. Granted, I still have to keep an ongoing inner-monologue, reminding myself not to resort to my typical defense mechanisms when things feel slightly uncomfortable. I also have to remind myself that I'm not that abused little girl I once was. Not everyone I love is going to let me down or destroy me. And if I ever want my daughter to be a well-rounded and confident person, I have to give her something to model herself after. How can I do that if I let my past continue to control who I am today?

None of this is the result of a recent epiphany. It's been in the works for quite some time. I'd like to think this is one of the positive side effects of getting older. Maybe this is the transitional period where I begin gaining all that wisdom my elders have already accrued. What I do know is that I have found myself relinquishing past judgments and giving people the benefit of the doubt more than I ever would have in the past. I've stopped inspecting the surface and rushing to a conclusion w/out in-depth knowledge. Hopefully in doing this, I will discover a wealth of possible friendships that would have, at one time, been impossible. I'm sure I'll find a few individuals whose actions will threaten to reinforce my desire for pure self-reliance, but as with every obstacle that has come before, I'll plow through it b/c it stands in the way of Future Me.

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