Monday, December 13, 2010

This is MY fairy tale

As a little girl, I was fed unrealistic stories of a sweet and tortured girl who is rescued by the strong, silent man. They never said what happened afterward, except that they lived "happily ever after". In the house I grew up in, happy was the most enticing promise the future could offer b/c that was something I didn't experience often. My anxiety-laden mind craved rest and peace, even if it didn't come until I was literally resting in peace. It was all I wanted and it always seemed just out of reach.

I was a sweet, tortured little thing. But a strong, silent man didn't rescue me from it all. A series of not-worth-mentioning boys drifted in and out of my world, but none rode a white horse or saved me from anything. Yet I gave them everything. Piece by piece, I chipped away at myself until I was so desperate for completion, I accepted far less than I deserved and tried many years to fake being whole. Like everything that is not meant to be, that ended just as I started realizing that no fool was gonna rescue me; I had to rescue myself.

In a very short amount of time, I found all my pieces and glued myself back together. And then, I re-wrote that fairy tale. Instead of a girl sitting idly by, waiting for Prince Charming to fix everything, the girl in my story got up off her ass and walked right out the front door of that dungeon she had been locked away in. While Mr. Strong & Silent stood around looking pretty, the girl kept walking b/c she wanted someone she could talk to that would talk back. Maybe even challenge her. After all, how boring would it be if there was never anything to debate or discuss?! The longer she walked, the higher she could hold her head up. Then out of nowhere, there he was. The One. Not someone who would step in & take over, but someone who would grab her hand and continue walking with her. A partner. Not one more dominant than the other. Equal halves of one whole. My fairy tale still has the happily ever after part, but rather than ending the story there, it goes on to the next chapter. Each chapter has ups and downs, but each one ends with happily ever after. The obstacles change, but the ending is the same. Oh, and mine is based on true events. :)

The world around me seems to be confused as to what healthy relationships are. In fact, I sometimes feel like a freak b/c my marriage isn't like everyone else's. Do we fight? Yes we do. Do we drive each other crazy? You betcha! But we do not lie, cheat, call names, keep score, keep secrets, or run away. All things that seem prevalent in nearly all the relationships of those around us. Sometimes I work harder around the house than he does. Sometimes he puts up with more stress than I do. But at the end of each and every night, we're both squeezed together filling only half of our big king sized bed. If we're not cuddling, our hands are touching. If our hands aren't touching, our feet are. If our feet aren't touching, our legs are tangled. Last night, I fell asleep next to my best friend. This morning, I woke up next to him. Tonight I'll do it again. It hasn't always been this good nor do I believe it will be this good all the time. The important fact is that even when things are at their worst, the love is there. It doesn't change; it doesn't diminish. We can fight and yell and carry on, but at the end of it all, we are still in love. My happily ever after is a hard-won battle. But everything worth anything is.

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