Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fitting in

For the last couple of months I haven't been consistent w/ exercise at all. I did some yoga here, a mile on the elliptical there, but I was definitely not keeping up with my planned workouts at all. I also quit tracking my food. I was mindful of how much and what I put into my body, but I used Christmas as an excuse to eat things that I wouldn't normally eat. Like cookies for breakfast & a little sweet treat after EVERY meal. The good news is that I didn't gain any weight. The bad news is that I didn't lose any, either. While gaining would be a personal failure in my eyes, not losing any is almost just as disappointing. I have come a long way, there is no doubt. But I am only halfway there. I have set a goal for myself and I need to prove that I can do it. Not b/c anyone really cares one way or another. I still get almost daily compliments on how much my body has changed in the last 5 months. I admit, that feels AMAZING!! I have even learned to accept compliments w/out making some self-deprecating comment afterward. (That, my friends, is a ginormous accomplishment. I have NEVER EVER EVER been good at accepting compliments.) Despite the praise and encouragement, I still look in the mirror and see that I am not where I want to be.

27 pounds is all I have left to lose. My original goal date was the end of July, but I'm aiming for my 4th wedding anniversary (May 16th). When I weigh myself that day, I want the scale to tell me that I am back to my pre-Trinity size of 135. Since I have made my way back around to tracking calories and exercising everyday, I believe I can do it. If I lose 2 lbs per week, I can be at my goal weight by mid-April. Before I fell off the wagon, I was losing at a rate of about 3 lbs every 2 weeks. Even at that rate, I can reach my goal by my anniversary. I've hit a plateau right now, but I'm doing a 28 day boot camp workout from sparkpeople, in addition to my normal workouts, that will hopefully help me break out of the rut. I'm also eating about 130 less calories a day than I was before. As my weight goes down, the amount of calories I need to eat in a day goes down as well. When I started, the recommended caloric intake for me was something like 1800 or so calories a day. Then it fell to 1720. Now I'm down to 1590. I refuse to go lower than what is recommended for healthy weight loss. My rule in all of this has been & always will be that it must be done right. No diets, no pills, nothing extreme. As I've told people many times, I'm not simply trying to "get skinny". I am trying to get healthy. I want to be around for a long time, to see my child grow up and see her children and their children, too. At 30 years old, if I don't correct my bad habits now, I never will. And they will continue to snowball until I'm to the point of no return. I refuse to wait until it's too late and see my life end with a pile of regrets.

It's only been 3 days since I jumped head-first back into my healthy routines but I already feel 100% better than I have in the last couple months. It sounds so simple, but I give total credit to sparkpeople for helping me along in all of this. If it weren't for being able to track my calories & exercise, and have a clear idea of what my daily caloric intake should be & how many calories I need to burn each day, I could not have come as far as I have. Being able to just type in what I've done & what I've eaten not only makes my life easier, but it also holds me accountable. I don't want to look on the nutrition tracker & see that I've eaten 1 tiny snack that had as many calories as a regular meal should have. And I HATE seeing when I've gone over my fat or calories for the day. Yes, I have to take credit for my restraint and hard work, but without the tools, I would not have stuck to it. The only thing I dislike about the site is that since it is free, it is funded by advertising. I get a lot of pop-ups and crap when I'm logged in. But that seems like a small price to pay for what I'm gaining from being a member.

I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. I know reading about other people's weight loss stuff can be boring. But it's something that is a huge part of my daily life right now and I wanted to record my thoughts and whatnot while I'm feeling the inspiration. Because I know that there will be days when I lose motivation and having something to look back on will help push me to keep at it. I just have to remember how disappointed I will feel if I come this far only to stall out. Before I had Trinity, I was at a healthy weight, but always felt fat and ugly. In the 8 years since she was born, I have struggled with my weight and the deep feelings of regret for not being diligent and getting myself back to normal size within the first year of her life. The good news is that if it weren't for this 8 year battle with myself, I would continue to take it all for granted. I may have been within a normal weight range before, but I was not healthy. Now I will be healthy while also enjoying seeing myself in a single-digit pant size. I started this whole process out as clinically obese. I am no longer obese. I am on the high end of overweight, but everyday I edge closer to the lower end of the spectrum. I cannot even express in words how proud that makes me!!!

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