Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Mombie strikes again

I really need to get back into my workout routine b/c that was the only time I wasn't constantly exhausted. Of course, finding time to fit that in between a full-time job, babysitting a crazy little tazmanian devil my nephew 25-35 hours a week, and the various other activities/errands/responsibilities that suck my time is the biggest challenge. That and the fact that my elliptical is buried beneath tons of boxes of crap that we don't really need but keep anyway. In order to get it out, we have to actually organize aforementioned crap and since I'm tired, it doesn't get done. Hell, I haven't even consistently washed dishes or taken out the trash in the last couple of months. I let it get to the point where I'm utterly ashamed of the mess & can't stand it another second, then I clean it up. If I'd just put in that 15 or 20 minutes each day to keep up with it, I wouldn't be so overwhelmed. But I'm not that logical.
I have got to get this shit under control!! The anxiety & depression that keeps seeping to the surface are completely stymieing me. I've started hyperventilating again, which is always fun. And by fun, I really mean sucks dirty balls. But how do I clear my plate? How do I tell my work that despite the fact that no one else can do it, I can't do my work either? How do I tell my nephew's mom that despite the fact that no one else can help her & she'd lose her job w/out steady childcare, I can't watch him anymore? It can't be done. The only solution is to adapt.

So why am I having such a hard time adapting?!

Answer: Because I have not had a REAL day off since June. By "real day off", I'm talking about a day where I don't work & don't babysit my nephew. A day where not only do I not do either of those two things, I also don't have a ton of shit to do. I'm talking about a day where no one is requiring me to be/do/provide something for them. A day for me to lay in my jammies on the couch watching shit I want to watch & doing shit I want to do. I don't even know if this "real day off" exists. But I want one. BAD. Truthfully, a whole weekend w/out work or babysitting would be good enough for me, even if I had to do housework & run errands. Those things would be a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.

I just need to work something out to where I can have one weekend a month or even every couple months off from babysitting so that I can recharge. Being a Mombie sucks. Being a whiner sucks. Anxiety sucks. This post sucks. Everything sucks when you're this tired.

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