Bottom's Up

This week's GBE2 prompt is: bottom.  It took me a little while to think about how I could work w/ that prompt.  I'll be honest here, y'all, when I hear the word bottom, I think about butts.  It's just how my sick mind works.  But I'm not so inspired by asses that I could write an entire post about them, so I'm going to have to dig a little deeper.  (Which won't be hard. I'm about as deep as a kiddie pool.)

I suppose if I really think about it, most of the things swirling around in my head today can be worked into this week's prompt.  For example: my to-do list.  Life has been hectic and chaotic and all-around crazy lately and all I want is to get to the bottom of my to-do list for once.  Obviously, this is a lot to ask.  Any wife/mother will tell you, it's a never-ending job just to keep your head above water.  Of course, I have to torture myself by constantly adding to the list while accomplishing other things at a snail's pace.  My house has been way messier & more disorganized than I can stand & there just never seems to be enough time to buckle down & get it up to my standards.  Then there is work, the book exchange, weekend visits to my Grandma, and whatever else we have planned on any given day.  I feel like I don't have more than a couple hours of solid home-time before there is somewhere to be or something to do.  Just thinking about it makes me feel overwhelmed.  On top of that, I've got 3 cross-stitch projects I'd like to finish between now & mid-December, I have a Halloween party to plan, I might be planning my hubs' besty's daughter's bday party again this year, and then there is Justin's Zombie Apocalypse bday party.  All of these take time that I don't have, but I refuse to give up.  Even if it means I'm further away from the bottom of my to-dos, I have to indulge myself by doing things I enjoy once in awhile.  You know what they say about all work and no play.

Another example of this bottom-themed thinking has to do w/ my Mom.  More specifically, it's the feeling of taking my old familiar place at the bottom of the totem pole.  I've talked and talked about my Mommy issues, so I'm not going to rehash them all now.  Besides, there's nothing I can do but accept how it is & keep moving forward.  However, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that despite the fact that I have yet to be wrong when I advise my mom to avoid certain people, she still treats me as if I'm unreasonable when I tell her that someone is no good.  She is the worst judge of character on the freaking planet and much of my youth was spent cleaning up the messes left by these people.  So excuse the piss out of me if I want to save her the heartache & myself the headache of another disaster!  The difference this time is that I'm an adult, so I can and will choose to let her handle the fallout on her own.  It's no longer my responsibility to try to protect her.  It never really was my responsibility to begin with; that's just the role I assumed from the time I was born.  Now I just have to come to terms with this latest reminder that my Mom had me to fill a void within herself and that's about as far as her love for me will ever extend. In a twisted sort of way, I'm kind of grateful for this reminder b/c I was wrestling with a lot of guilt for not being an extremely attentive and loving daughter.  Now I remember why I can't be that way and it's not my fault.  At least, that's the positive spin I'm going to put on this whole situation.

And finally, there's the bottom of the countdown to Disneyland.  That's right, the end is nigh, y'all.  In 19 days, we'll be in Disneyland on the grand ole' Sams Fam vacation.  Yesterday Trin got a card in the mail from one of my cousins w/ some spending money inside.  She added that to her proceeds from the lemonade stand she ran during our yard sale a couple months ago & was pretty excited to have a total of $45 to spend in Disneyland.  (We're gonna buy her some souvenirs, too, but the money she has is hers to spend any way she wants.)  It's hard to believe that we're now less than 3 weeks away from this long-anticipated trip.  I'll be honest, most of my excitement stems from being done scrimping for this damn vacation!  Trinity will never know just how much this trip has wreaked havoc on our finances, but I would say this year has been the toughest we've experienced so far.  It wasn't just the trip; there was also the few months of reduced work hours, which thankfully have picked back up.  We'll be working well into next year to get back on track financially, but my worry and stress will vanish the second our plane lands at LAX.  All the problems will be waiting for us when we get back, but it will be a lot less daunting with fresh memories of our family vacation to remind me why we put ourselves in this predicament in the first place.   There will always be times where we will struggle, when bills will get paid at the last possible second, and we'll worry about what's not going to get paid so that we can buy groceries.  This is the way our life is b/c of the choices we make.  We choose to stay in less-than-stellar paying jobs b/c they give us a schedule that allows us a lot of family time.  We choose to spend exorbitant amounts of money on a family vacation now & then b/c soon our child will be grown up & the chance to enjoy her childhood will be gone.  These are choices we make b/c we believe it's a worthy sacrifice.

I suppose what I'm saying is that when you get down to the bottom of it all, there's positive in every struggle.  It's not always easy to remember the good when dealing w/ the bad, and maybe you have to dig deep for it or adjust your perspective a little.  But it's there.