Monday, September 30, 2013

Finding our way

It's been nearly 2 months since my mother-in-law passed away.  Her death has definitely taken center stage in our lives as we were left to handle all of her final arrangements, plan her funeral, and now handle her estate completely by ourselves.  It's been a long and stressful journey that is not likely to end soon.  Especially now that we're trying to work out the logistics of purchasing her house and selling ours.

In all the upheaval and grief that we've experienced lately, I'm finding my focus being pulled back to the baby growing inside me.  It's hard to ignore as it's been kicking and squirming so much.  Exactly one week from today we'll be getting our next ultrasound and should be able to find out if this little one is a boy or girl.  We have names picked out and did manage to plot a theme for their nursery.  Other than that, we're completely unprepared and haven't taken a lot of time to just live in the moment and appreciate our little blessing.  That is something I'm trying desperately to change.  It's not that I'm unhappy or ungrateful in the slightest.  Its just been a very emotional time in our lives and it's hard to put my energy into the baby when there is so much other business to be handled.  Thankfully none of the stress has affected the baby.  He or she is doing very well and I have found myself day-dreaming about what it will be like to have a baby again.  It's exciting, even if the timing couldn't be worse.

I've been expecting to find our way back to "normal", but I'm starting to realize that with the huge changes that have happened and that are coming soon, we're going to have to find our new normal. Things aren't ever going to be the same, which is frightening.  I think more than anything I've really been craving some more stability.  Life just feels off-balance and foreign to me these days.  I'm ready for our family to at least be on a path toward "settled".  I think that is going to remain elusive until we either buy his mom's house or get it sold.  Knowing where we're going to be 6 months from now will go a long way toward calming my fears.

There just aren't any words that fully describe how I feel these days.  I'm happy, but scared to death.  I'm sad a lot; not just for what we've lost but for all the baby will be missing out on.  Judy was such a huge part of our family and things just don't feel the same without her.  But we've wanted a baby for so long and I, especially, wanted so badly to have Justin's baby.  Trinity has wanted to be a big sister for 7 years.  It hurts to know that something we all prayed for is on the way but we've been too distracted and sad to fully appreciate the experience and anticipation.  Some moments I can feel the typical expectant mommy excitement, and in the next moment any little thing can trigger me to start crying.  To say it's a roller coaster would be an understatement.

In spite of all this, we're doing our best to keep on keeping on. There has to be an end to this at some point and it's unfair to the baby for us not to try our hardest to get things in order before they arrive.  They deserve to be born into the happy family that has been hoping and praying for them for the past 5+ years. It wasn't that long ago that we were fully functional and content.  The baby should be able to join that same family, albeit minus one member.  The simple fact is that Judy would be pissed if she knew that her passing did anything to lessen the joy for our newest family member.  That thought combined with the inexplicable strength of a mother's love for a child she's never met is what keeps me pushing on.  And when my husband is struggling, I try to use my reserves to push him right along with me.  At some point, we'll find our way back to happy.  We'll find our new normal.  Our little family will learn to live a full and good life, even when we're heartbroken.

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