Pages

Monday, July 23, 2012

Catching my breath

This week's GBE2 prompt is "Breathless".  I haven't posted on the last couple of prompts b/c I've been struggling just to remain coherent in my own brain, let alone write something that anyone else could decipher.  However, this week's prompt is very apropos & I hate being a slacker, so it's a win-win. :)

I feel as if I should start out w/ an apology.  I feel bad that this blog has pretty much become an emotional dumping ground for me.  My blog has always been an open journal more than anything else, but since I seem to be so easily overwhelmed lately, it has become a whining post & I don't like that.  Despite dealing w/ chronic depression, I'm typically not a ho-hum person. In fact, I'm pretty damn cheery most of the time.  I think we all have our moments when we go into Eeyore mode & for some of us, talking about it makes us feel better.  That being said, I don't want to project an image that isn't accurate.  I'm truly not a sad individual and I'm sorry to anyone who has been reading my blog lately & finds themselves more depressed having read it.  Hell, even I can't go back & read too much of it w/out wanting to slap myself or slit my own wrists.

The reason I say that this week's prompt is so fitting is b/c last week was a rough one.  I found myself completely unable to cope w/ almost everything.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and generally difficult to be around.  I could not catch my breath.  Every time I turned around, it seemed something else was piling on & I just couldn't keep up w/ any of it.  Friday was my breaking point.  I think it was the moment I realized that I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, but was suddenly very aware that if I wanted to have this aforementioned breakdown, I had about 2 hours in which to schedule it.  My responsibilities are too many and too important for me to just let loose of my emotions & freak out, no matter how badly I need to lose my shit.  This realization only made the pressure worse.

What I do in any given day, week, month, or year is not extraordinary.  I don't feel I have much more on my shoulders than your average working-class mother/wife.  I do, however, believe that the world has become far too fast-paced & the requirements women are expected to meet only get more insane & harder to achieve.  Many of us have to work outside the home, but are also expected to raise well-behaved children, have a spotless house, look our best, volunteer in our community, and be crafty as hell.  We also must be attentive to our spouse, friends, and family; remembering birthdays, anniversaries, play dates, etc.  We have to be efficient, patient, and endlessly witty.  We have errands to run constantly.  Never mind the time we may need to exercise or, I don't know, REST!  It's too much & it's never-ending.  The number of times I actually feel like a rockstar are so few & far between, it's easy to get discouraged & feel like a failure. 

I would say my biggest downfall is that I'm constantly adding something to my to-do list.  There is always just that one last thing I think I should do, even if I know I don't have to do it.  With each additional task, I don't consider the amount of rest I need to balance it all out.  Slowly but surely I start cutting into my personal time, telling myself I'm being selfish if I tell anyone to buzz off so I can relax.  If I sit down before everything is done, I feel lazy.  I look around & see the dishes stacked up in the sink or see my kid scaling Mount St. Laundry looking for clean clothes b/c I haven't folded & put away clean laundry in 2 weeks or more.  I feel my muffin top protruding from over my pants or notice that I haven't talked to my Mom in days or get guilt-laden text messages from friends who feel neglected.  By that point, it's so overwhelming, nothing gets done b/c I'm too busy running in circles trying to figure out where I should begin. 

All these feelings of failure, guilt, and self-pity bubble up into this awful, ugly mess & next thing you know, I'm ditching work early to drive out to visit my Granny's grave b/c it's the only place I can think of that is quiet & that I'm the least likely to have to interact with living humans.  The ugly mess is suddenly lessened by the familiar ache of loss & grief; emotions I can handle much better.  It seems odd that to get relief, I have to open myself up to a different kind of hurt, but it's not really that much different than people who cut themselves when they're depressed.  Rather than subjecting myself to physical pain, I just need to feel a kind of pain I can process easier.  Once I've processed those emotions, everything else just sort of falls into place. 

I sound absolutely insane, right?! 

Think what you want (b/c you're probably right), but it works.  The quiet reflection that accompanies grief is really what I need.  Just a moment in time to stop the world from spinning & let me sort through it all.  What comes next is a soul-deep exhaustion that cannot be ignored by anyone, even a stubborn jackass like me.  And with that exhaustion comes beautiful, glorious rest.  With rest comes restoration.  With restoration comes the strength to trudge onward & upward. And suddenly, the world is not so mean. 

I'm leaving out some very important details, of course.  Like the reassuring text messages from my aunt, giving me the advice I need to hear.  Or the afternoon movie date w/ my hubby, where his hand on my leg is the most comforting thing in the world. It's these tiny moments that build me up when I feel like I might topple from the weight on my shoulders.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to just stop & relax when I know I should.   Maybe it's one of those things that come with age; the wisdom to shirk off self-imposed responsibilities & the knack for prioritizing those things that truly must be done.  Until I reach that level of maturity, I'll probably just push & push until I'm breathless. 

13 comments:

  1. I certainly can relate to this post. I have six kids and I keep thinking that the pressures and responsibility are going to be less. Just when I solve one problem, on comes another. But, in all, life is good. I've been feeling a little breathless lately too. A retreat would be nice. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The pressure and responsibility will disappear along with your ability to see your kids every day. Take it from an old empty-nester and forget about the mundane house chores.

      Delete
    2. It's definitely something we all experience at one point or another & I agree, a retreat would be very nice. In my fantasy retreat I see me on the beach w/ a blanky & a book. :)

      Delete
  2. I think going to visit your Granny's grave is a great idea to get away from the whirling stresses of life and breath and speak with someone you hold so dear. :)

    I hope things calm down a bit for you! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! :) I was afraid it would seem morbid that the place I chose to go was a cemetery, but you know my Granny was a huge part of my life & it just seemed natural that I'd go somewhere to feel closer to her.

      Delete
  3. I don't think you sound insane. Life can be very overwhelming at times and people do tend to expect too much. Most of the time, the one expecting the most is ourselves. You need a break and a hug. No one can do it all!
    You can only do the best you can.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I absolutely agree: I push myself harder than I would ever push anyone else & harder than anyone else would ever push me.

      Delete
  4. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. I work full time too, which sometimes means leaving the dishes in the sink or spilling laundry baskets. Plus, I don't live here alone, so why should I be the sole person responsible for the upkeep of the house? Part of my creativity as a writer means my house will sometimes be messy. If you don't like it, don't come over. As for my kids, they turned out awesome because I let the house go when raising them. Phyllis Dyller said, "Cleaning house with kids is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing." Let it go. The house mess will still be there later, but your kids' youth won't be. Trust me on this. My kids are now 24,22, and 19.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/07/gbe2-breathless-or-breathmore.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make a very good point (and so does Phyllis Diller). :) My house is far from spotless, I just want to keep it on the acceptable side of messy. If my home is too messy & cluttered, I get really really uptight. It seems funny I'm this way b/c I grew up w/ drug addicts & our house (when we had one), was rarely clean. Now that I have a house of my own, I have this idea in my head that everything should be in it's place & always clean. I know that's impossible w/ kids, a full-time job, & everything else going on. Even though my logical mind tells me I don't have to be perfect, I can't seem to remember that all the time.

      Delete
  5. I'm not a parent or even a spouse, and my stress and pressures are different than yours, but the depressed craziness I can definitely relate to. People like us find it difficult to take care of ourselves properly and it just makes things worse. Please stop feeling like you have to please everybody...just say no. It's not selfish, it's keeping your sanity and health so that you can be there for what really counts.

    My blog is mostly my emotional dumping/whining ground too, but hell, it helps to get it out. Don't refrain from writing out your feelings for fear of 'offending' someone. Write for yourself and don't give a fig what anyone thinks of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would say that worrying what other people think is probably one of my major character flaws. I get way too caught up in trying to please everyone. I'm better than I used to be, but definitely not as good as I could be. I totally agree that having some way to let things out is so important. I alternate between my blog & an actual journal b/c if I hold anything in, I think I might be even crazier! *lol* Thanks for reading. :)

      Delete
  6. I can so relate and I love the last paragraph about the time after grief...I was there last week too. We all have and need these moments of adjustment!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading! :) It's no fun that we have to feel that way, but it's nice to know we're not alone.

      Delete

 

Template by BloggerCandy.com | Header Image by Freepik